A little whining

It's four in the am. I found how to change the time zone on here. I was pretty excited about that. I was doing a lot of thinking tonight and I NEED a baby. I feel like my life is currently incomplete. I have debated charting and checking my cervix but that crap is crucial! High low hard soft open closed... I get so confrused I don't know what to look for. Oh yeah and you kinda need some sort of cycle to base it off of. My cycle left me alone about six months ago. I'm so ready for a baby though. The experience of pregnancy, having someone love you unconditionally, teaching and molding a child's mind. I'm ready. But apparently God isn't. Yes, I believe in God. Maybe not the same one everyone else does. No, that's not it. Same God, just a different set of rules . I chat with God here and there. After I miscarried, I was very angry! How could he allow that to happen, I thought. I got past that anger eventually and realized that there had to have been some malformation of organs or something. And let me go ahead and say this- I don't care what you believe as far as religion goes. I have had a very difficult time with organized religion, the bible, and church. It's not that I don't care what you believe, I just don't want to hear that I am wrong and you are right, cause seriously- how do you know what is correct? Faith in a higher being is one thing, but putting faith into a book written by man- not by God- I just can't do it. So please don't talk religion with me. Sore subject. My God and I are on better terms these days. I guess I should be more thankful for what I do have and not so envious of what others have. I should work on that. It's hard to not be jealous or envious when your only desire is a child. Larry and I already know what we would name it. When we were pregnant before, I insisted on buying baby stuffs. We got four outfits, a blanket and bottle for Christmas (baby would have been around three and a half months at Christmas) pacifiers, diapers and wipes . My mom was going to hang onto them for us until we got out of school. She still has them. I guess that's a good thing. I couldn't look at them every day without losing it. People say that children pick their parents- like in spirit I guess before conception- and I'm like why not us??? My husband and I have a very loving relationship, we both love kids. He would be an excellent father. But like I said, maybe I should quit whining about what I don't have and be happy with what I do- an awesome doggy, a wonderful husband, and great friends and family. Quitchawhinin, Nicole!! Well, still not tired. Gonna take a hot shower and see if that helps!