Three

It happened again. I got pregnant in August last year. Again. We conceived number three on the blue moon in August. It was so frightening. But so exciting. I kept thinking, if I can make it past six weeks, this pregnancy would be good. This baby would make it and all the pain in my heart would be gone. I kept getting sick. Good sign, right? No pain! Another good sign! We went shopping. We picked out the furniture we wanted. The theme for the baby's room. Toys and clothes. This pregnancy felt like it was a good one. I quit worrying about it. My sister was pregnant with her second at the time. She was almost exactly four months ahead. We were so excited! Our babies are gonna be the best of friends! September 29th my sister had her oldest child's birthday party at her house. I was six and a half weeks at the time. It was a neat party. Ashley is so creative! It was a painting theme. All the kids had a canvas to paint what they desired. It was the coolest idea I had ever seen! When the party started winding down, I started getting crampy pain. I just thought I had to use the bathroom. When I tried to go, nothing happened. The pain was central so I definitely did not think it was an ectopic issue and I wasn't bleeding so I knew I wasn't losing this one. But I hurt so bad! I started getting very hot! I started taking clothes off. The pain kept getting worse. In my sister's guest bathroom with a house full of people, I was laying on the floor half naked over the air vent, burning up and all I could think is I'm dying. I had never had pain like that before! When the pain eased off and I wasn't on fire anymore, I got back up, redressed and went to sit in the living room. It hurt to sit. Everyone asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I said no, it had eased off and I was okay. It was probably just gas pain. My sister's mother in law said it sounded like diverticulitis. Gas pain and a blockage in my intestine. I could see that being the problem. So I accepted that and we went home. Laying in bed, I started thinking about my last pregnancy. I remember being in a lot of pain (nothing compared to what I was going through that day). I also remembered trying to pass it off as gas pain. I started worrying that I might have another ectopic pregnancy. Then, I remembered that the last time, the pain was on the side, not central. So I talked myself out of being worried, bought some benefiber to try and help with a blocked intestine and went on about things. The pain didn't go away, but it did ease off. That following Wednesday, October 3rd, Larry and I went to the doctor for our first ultrasound and confirmation of pregnancy. An ultrasound tech did the ultrasound first. At 7 weeks, I was shocked when she said she didn't see the baby in the uterus. She said that I was probably only four or so weeks. Um, no, I am seven weeks. And my last pregnancy was an ectopic on the left side. She went back to the monitor and proceeded to look toward my left side on the ultrasound. She took a couple of pictures, removed the wand, and said, I see it now. And it is ectopic. I'm sorry. Larry broke down. I tried to wrap my head around the words that had just been spoken. Ectopic. Again? My doctor came in and she was really upset. She was the same OB that I had seen with my last pregnancy and I was one of her first patients in her career. She and I had gotten close over the months- as far as doctors go- that I had been seeing her. She looked at the ultrasound pictures and said that I had to go to the hospital. Now. Later that night as I was prepped to have the baby removed, Larry was inconsolable. I was still in shock. I was upset but I knew that we were doing what had to be done. This baby could kill me. Larry couldn't see that part of it and as the anesthesia kicked in, I remember thinking that I hoped my husband's heart would stop hurting. Surgery went well. When I woke up to be transferred to a room, my OB and surgeon was getting ready to leave. She looked at me and said, your left tube had burst. You are lucky it clotted and not hemorhagged. I was lucky I didn't die. I later found out that the baby had attached itself to my belly and again, I was lucky that it had not yet hit a blood vessel. Talk about too close for comfort. I almost died. It didn't change the fact that I had lost another child. But it helped to know that without me, it couldn't survive and I wouldn't survive with it. My doctor removed my left tube hopefully eliminating my problem with carrying a child. Larry and I are now trying again. I'm not sure I am ready but I need this to take away the pain in my heart. I have had a really hard time. I can't really talk to anyone about how I feel. It's hard to mourn people you never met. It's hard to miss someone that didnt even have a name. Baby # 3's due date is coming up. I was due May 23rd. I can't explain how difficult it is to get out of bed every day. How hard it is to smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong when I am dying inside. Hard to explain my occasional breakdowns. No one seems to understand why I am still broken. I told Larry I wanted to put names to our babies. We decided to go with unisex names. We are calling the first Sam, the second, Alex and the last, Shannon. At least now I have names for what I am missing so much. I know I have rambled. A lot. But I can't explain in any organized way what it in my head.