Freakin out

So this babysitting gig, it's getting old. I'm pretty sure if it were my own kids I would feel better. Maybe. And sometimes I think I wouldn't be a good mother. Maybe that is why I am having a hard time getting pregnant. Patience is not my strong suit. The little one fights sleep. A lot. And for some reason it frustrates me. I don't scream at him or beat him or anything. I just get aggravated. I guess I suck at this. But I still want a baby. I think pot would help with the patience. And don't give me the bullshit bad parenting crap. Read a fucking book. Pot just makes you happy. It does not inhibit your ability to function. We're watching this movie super high me. It's all about pot. It's very educational. This situation is causing tension between Larry and I. I feel like a lot is put on me. Both meals, naps, snacks. He helps, but I am frustrated a lot, so I'm thinking it's not enough help. But I know he thinks I am better at this stuff. And maybe I am, but I still want help. Well enough whining for one session. Will holla!

Popcorn with a hint of Johnny's seasoning

Yum! While in the RV, Larry and I got the munchies. His sister had left some snacks in here from their last trip, so we started looking for something good. And we came up with popcorn. Popcorn is always good, but the same old gets old. We checked out the spices that were left in here to try and change it up a bit. And there it was, Johnny's seasoning salt. We added the Johnny's and like crack addicts, we ate all the popcorn we could handle. Hootch included. So now any time we are out here and I get the munchies, I pop a bag and pour on the good stuff. It's like the best thing to happen to popcorn since movie theatre butter. Mmmmmm. I love it like a fat kid loves cake.

So our situation at hand is getting old, quick. I would love to go back and change things so this never would've happened. I hate living like a gypsy. I don't even get the overall benefits that a gypsy has. I don't rob people. I just move. A lot. I was thinking about how many times I have moved this decade. It's a lot. Started on Cornelson in Greer, SC and moved to Cannon in Greer. Then to Easley, Williamston, and back to Cannon. From there I went to Charleston, then S. Buncombe in Greer. Then there was the duplex in Greenville, SC, Circle Dr. In Greer, then apartments in Greenville, Blue Ridge in Greer, and Taylors, SC. Then I moved to Statesville, NC. And temporarily a shitty apartment with some shitty people in Mooresville, NC. Back to Statesville, then a different apartment with some cool people in Mooresville, NC. On to Terrell, NC. Then we meandered through Benton, CA and Fullerton, CA. Back to Greer on Locust Rd. Then Reidville Rd. in Greer. Then back to Benton, CA. And the final stop on our tour (for now), Oak Harbor, WA. That is frickin 23 times in 10 efffin years. That's just nuts to me. I hate moving!!!! So what is causing me to do it more than twice a year? Seriously, that's just not right.

I love being in my head

So easily distracted am I. Twenty minutes ago I was flipping through my saved web pages thinking I would write a little. Then I heard a part of a song I like so I googled the lyrics to make sure it said what I thought. And it did. So I youtubed it so I could hear it now. All this while watching Family Guy. Easily distracted and amused. It's fun being me.

Blah blah blah

Free time for pooch and me so I thought I would babble on. Larry is helping his brother in law skin a deer. I am not a hunter by any means but my husband is. I don't want any part of it. I'm like yeah you're gonna have to wash all that deer blood and fur and guts off of you before you come back in here. Not much hunting in my family, but his whole family- immediate and extended- are deer hunters. Very foreign and bloody to me. Plus- I have never shot a gun. They scare me. I was going to let Larry teach me, but when we got down to it, I started crying. I'm such a pansy. So when I was in school learning U.S. geography, it never dawned on me that the state of Washington, being right below Canada, would be a cold state. And if you were wondering, it is. Since we have been here, it has been cold, gloomy, and rainy. I've seen rays of sunshine, but I don't recall having actually seen the sun. Maybe that's why I am depressed. Plus, what a big let down- I haven't seen a single vampire. No Edward. No Alice. No Bella. I'm disappointed. I was hoping to see the Cullen family and maybe even Jacob. But no. Apparently Twilight is fictional.

Emo me

OMG I just want my life back. My little shit hole house and my husband and my dog. I want a job and money to spend and pay bills. I just feel like everything that made me happy is gone. I want to be back in Greer where I feel at home. I can feel myself getting more depressed all the time. But how selfish I am to expect Larry to sacrifice his happiness and do what I want. Like a spoiled child. His family is wonderful but I just can't be happy. I just pretend that nothing is wrong, blink away tears and say I'm okay. I'm not okay. I am lost. Everyday I wake up, go into my sis in laws house and watch two beautiful children. And everyday I am reminded that my child was taken away. Seriously, why is it that people that don't care about their kids are blessed with many and all I want is one. One child to call me mommy. It feels like I will never have that in my life. It also feels like I am being a whiny little bitch today. I blame my emo state on hormones. I think mine are going nucking futs. I didn't sleep all day today so that's nice. And now I am over my little tantrum. Moving on, today we went to the navy exchange. It's like a military walmart. Where walmart has wrangler brand the navy exchange has Ralph Lauren. So I guess it would be like the Rolls Royce of walmarts. Right now, pup and I are in the RV. Sitting on the bed. He's probably thinking about the treats I promised him and forgot to bring, and I am thinking about the disaster that is my life. Seems like there is no light at the end of this tunnel. I wish I was schizo so the personality I call me could go to sleep till this is all over and my auto pilot personality could handle all the bullshit for me. Any advice would be appreciated.

How we ended up in sunny Seattle

It's been a long time. And our lives have been turned upside down. Not that you will be surprised, but my pee stick was negative. Kinda like my attitude toward the whole thing I guess. In the some odd months that I have been away from my writing, my husband and I have moved from Greer, South Carolina to Benton, California to Oak Harbor, Washington. See what happened was I got a job and I was working. Larry was working for my sister's poor-example-of-a-man husband. My mom was in the hospital so collectively the four of us were waiting in the ER waiting room or my mom's ER room for some explanation for her being there. Ashley's piece of shit flips out...... Okay long story short he calls me an inconsiderate bitch for not leaving my mother's room at his command. Naturally, my husband gets pissed. He stews all weekend. By Monday he is in such a tizzy he is practically hyperventilating by the time he gets to work. He tells piece of shit that he doesn't think them working together is going to work. Piece of shit then tries to flex his lack of muscle and acts like he is gonna hit Larry. I call the cops. Piece of shit knows if he touches my husband a lot of shit is going to happen. First he is gonna get his ass whooped by my young stud husband. Second, I'm gonna get involved and throw a few, too. Then his punk ass would be going to jail, he would have some serious issues in his marriage. I was ready to get down redneck style. Instead, piece of shit just runs his mouth. Eventually, he maces my husband. Yeah, I know, we could own his business right now, but Larry didn't want issues between me and my sis. The point is if he wasn't so convinced the world revolved around him, Larry wouldn't have quit. Ultimately I really just feel like he is the reason my world fell apart and now live 3,000 miles away. I'm so good at the blame game. Anywho- when life hands you limes you make margaritas. So we are living in an RV. Larry's sister needed a full time babysitter and neither of us have found work otherwise, so here we are. Oh and speaking of job hunting, I can't even get a mother effin interview. No call, no return email, nothing. Like I never applied. This frickin recession has not turned around. The poor are still poor. The rich are richer. And such is life. Hootch and Larry are sleeping. I suppose I should be. It's almost 4am. So if this doesn't post because I wrote it on my mePod I am going to be pissed. And if it does, yea for me!