Today

Today is February the somethingth, 2012. It's weird to say that year. And it's crazy that we are already one month into the year. I guess when life quits being "Monday through Friday" and becomes "cycle day and days past ovulation", things move a little quicker. Today I am on cycle day 9 and ovulation is expected sometime between the 7th and the 14th of February. PCOS has made timing a little unpredictable but I think I have gotten it down to a science. On my 14th day I start using progesterone cream. I use it until I have a positive pee test or until I start the next cycle. Since the first day after my period, hubby and I have been baby dancing every other day and will be until after ovulation. It seems so simple. I'm very hopeful. I feel like I am going to achieve a sticky bean this time. Hopefully it won't stop in the tube. So this conception, it consumes me. It's all I want. Baby fever doesn't even cover it. I feel like life should have more meaning but right now, that's it. This baby we are trying for is life. I live and breathe this conception. Oh my gosh baby, baby, baby! I'm annoying myself at this point. But I have so much love already for a child I have yet to conceive. And I want to be at home with the baby. I know someone that is a stay at home mom but she isn't happy. But she isn't me and I am not her. I want to be there for everything in my child's life. I want to hold them and play with them and teach them. I want to plan their day and make every moment one of a kind. I want to be there when they go to school and when they get home. Omgosh I am obsessed. I will probably be overprotective too. Poor kid. They aren't even conceived yet and I am planning their childhood. I've still been healing emotionally from my last pregnancy. It's easier to put on a smile and act like nothing ever happened then to think of all the physical and emotional pain I went through just over a month ago. Two of my family members are currently pregnant. They are a few weeks ahead of where I would be. I hate reading their status updates and trying to be happy and excited for them. I am happy for them, I'm just having a hard time not thinking about my recent past when I think about their pregnancies. Another cousin had her baby a month before I lost this one. It hurts, too. I still haven't held the baby. I did touch him the last time I saw him but that is it. I hope my cousin understands, but oh well if she doesn't. I don't want to hurt her but I just can't hold her son. Not yet. I know burying my pain is the wrong thing to do, but I get the impression that most people think I should be over it and on with my life. Which is why I fake smiles and push it further down. God, please fix these holes in my heart....

Another Angel Baby

It happened again. I got pregnant in November and found out when I was 3 weeks and a few days. Let me rephrase that, I unintentionally got pregnant. I was so happy. Shocked. Consumed. In love. I didn't have a worry or care in the world. Then one day while at work I started getting some pain- not centrally abdominal but off to the left. I sat down to wait out the aches. Then I headed to the bathroom. That's when I saw blood. And that's all it took. I called my mom who picked up my husband and met me at the hospital. It was too early too see anything on an ultrasound but the pain had subsided. For the most part. The doc did warn me that it may be an ectopic pregnancy but I was not concerned. This baby was a fighter. Every other day for a week or so, I hurt on my left side. And as the days progressed so did the pain. Each time it came back, I hurt worse than the last time. I followed up with an OB that said my hcg levels weren't rising like they should be. There was still a good chance of a good pregnancy but she really thought that this one may be ectopic. If my pain got worse I needed to go back to the er as this pregnancy could kill me. Again, I was not worried. Mommy's lil fighter was gonna be just fine. After leaving the doctor that day, my pain came back. And it was bad. By that night, I couldn't sleep at all. I would have to get up run hot water on my left side, lay with my pup to calm me down and try again only to be forced to do it all over. By the time my husband got up for work, I knew we had to go to the hospital. My hcg levels had dropped and they still couldn't see anything on the ultrasound. I was losing this baby. After the ultrasound, my pain was unbearable, even after one shot of demerall. They gave me another shot of demerall and then I slept for what seemed the first time in a year. After all of this, I now had to go home and wait for my lil fighter to die. It hurt so bad emotionally. But the universe and God are taking care of me. I miscarried out my left tube. My theory is the tissue that was my baby is now a piece of me forever. The saving grace in this is I could have died. This pregnancy could have killed us both if it had not miscarried like it did. It doesn't make it hurt any less but it helps to have reason and peace of mind. Currently I have just started my first cycle since the loss and hubby and I are going to get right back to it and pray for a miracle this time.