Babies, babies, babies

Every time I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Someone else just had a baby. Someone else has a family. Their kids are starting school or playing sports or have joined the girl scouts or cub scouts. They are helping their kids with their homework or telling them that the monster under the bed is not real. I am tired of watching all of my friends and family raising their child while I struggle everyday with a disorder that causes infertility and cancer. I know that I will have a baby someday. Even if not my own, I will adopt. I just have baby fever. Bad. I don't want to be that child's Aunt, I want to be that child's mommy. I keep asking myself if I would be a good mother. Maybe I wouldn't. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time. I don't know. It's not something that I understand. I have had many dreams about my future children. Maybe they are the ghosts of my lost babies. I had a tarot reading done and the young lady that did it told me she saw 2 boys. She also saw 2 other spirits. She said she didn't know if they were children that I may have down the road or if they were my lost babies. The night before I got the reading done, I was talking to my mom about my infertility and I told her that I didn't understand that if the babies choose their parents, why not me? In the reading I had done, the girl said that one of the boys wanted her to tell me that he chose me, but he wasn't ready yet. I found that comment ironic. I totally believe that he spoke to her. I can't wait to see those babies. I hope that my reading was true. And all I have is hope. Hope and faith in God to do his will in my life. I noticed that I was lacking God in my life. I didn't have the relationship with Him that I should and have tried to have the strength to leave it in his hands. And to have faith that he will provide. In the meantime, I am taking better care of myself and through herbs, I am regulating my body. I have made lifestyle changes to manage my disorder and I have never felt better in my life. I think I am on the right road, I just hope that I am not too late. I am also trying to be a better person. My mother is one of the most positive and happy people I have ever met and I am trying to instill those things in my life. Let's just say that I didn't like who I had become and I didn't want to be that person anymore. My unborn children deserve a better person for a mom than I was 2 months ago. With all my changes and my recent drive back to Greer, SC, I feel good about my future. But my husband is still in California. He will be there for another few weeks. So in my time without my best friend, I am working on me. And I hope that when he gets here that the baby making will be much easier. Until then....