Today

Today is February the somethingth, 2012. It's weird to say that year. And it's crazy that we are already one month into the year. I guess when life quits being "Monday through Friday" and becomes "cycle day and days past ovulation", things move a little quicker. Today I am on cycle day 9 and ovulation is expected sometime between the 7th and the 14th of February. PCOS has made timing a little unpredictable but I think I have gotten it down to a science. On my 14th day I start using progesterone cream. I use it until I have a positive pee test or until I start the next cycle. Since the first day after my period, hubby and I have been baby dancing every other day and will be until after ovulation. It seems so simple. I'm very hopeful. I feel like I am going to achieve a sticky bean this time. Hopefully it won't stop in the tube. So this conception, it consumes me. It's all I want. Baby fever doesn't even cover it. I feel like life should have more meaning but right now, that's it. This baby we are trying for is life. I live and breathe this conception. Oh my gosh baby, baby, baby! I'm annoying myself at this point. But I have so much love already for a child I have yet to conceive. And I want to be at home with the baby. I know someone that is a stay at home mom but she isn't happy. But she isn't me and I am not her. I want to be there for everything in my child's life. I want to hold them and play with them and teach them. I want to plan their day and make every moment one of a kind. I want to be there when they go to school and when they get home. Omgosh I am obsessed. I will probably be overprotective too. Poor kid. They aren't even conceived yet and I am planning their childhood. I've still been healing emotionally from my last pregnancy. It's easier to put on a smile and act like nothing ever happened then to think of all the physical and emotional pain I went through just over a month ago. Two of my family members are currently pregnant. They are a few weeks ahead of where I would be. I hate reading their status updates and trying to be happy and excited for them. I am happy for them, I'm just having a hard time not thinking about my recent past when I think about their pregnancies. Another cousin had her baby a month before I lost this one. It hurts, too. I still haven't held the baby. I did touch him the last time I saw him but that is it. I hope my cousin understands, but oh well if she doesn't. I don't want to hurt her but I just can't hold her son. Not yet. I know burying my pain is the wrong thing to do, but I get the impression that most people think I should be over it and on with my life. Which is why I fake smiles and push it further down. God, please fix these holes in my heart....