Babies, babies, babies

Every time I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Someone else just had a baby. Someone else has a family. Their kids are starting school or playing sports or have joined the girl scouts or cub scouts. They are helping their kids with their homework or telling them that the monster under the bed is not real. I am tired of watching all of my friends and family raising their child while I struggle everyday with a disorder that causes infertility and cancer. I know that I will have a baby someday. Even if not my own, I will adopt. I just have baby fever. Bad. I don't want to be that child's Aunt, I want to be that child's mommy. I keep asking myself if I would be a good mother. Maybe I wouldn't. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time. I don't know. It's not something that I understand. I have had many dreams about my future children. Maybe they are the ghosts of my lost babies. I had a tarot reading done and the young lady that did it told me she saw 2 boys. She also saw 2 other spirits. She said she didn't know if they were children that I may have down the road or if they were my lost babies. The night before I got the reading done, I was talking to my mom about my infertility and I told her that I didn't understand that if the babies choose their parents, why not me? In the reading I had done, the girl said that one of the boys wanted her to tell me that he chose me, but he wasn't ready yet. I found that comment ironic. I totally believe that he spoke to her. I can't wait to see those babies. I hope that my reading was true. And all I have is hope. Hope and faith in God to do his will in my life. I noticed that I was lacking God in my life. I didn't have the relationship with Him that I should and have tried to have the strength to leave it in his hands. And to have faith that he will provide. In the meantime, I am taking better care of myself and through herbs, I am regulating my body. I have made lifestyle changes to manage my disorder and I have never felt better in my life. I think I am on the right road, I just hope that I am not too late. I am also trying to be a better person. My mother is one of the most positive and happy people I have ever met and I am trying to instill those things in my life. Let's just say that I didn't like who I had become and I didn't want to be that person anymore. My unborn children deserve a better person for a mom than I was 2 months ago. With all my changes and my recent drive back to Greer, SC, I feel good about my future. But my husband is still in California. He will be there for another few weeks. So in my time without my best friend, I am working on me. And I hope that when he gets here that the baby making will be much easier. Until then....

PCOS

So, I found out that I have PCOS and I have made some drastic changes in my lifestyle. I am on the low glycemic index diet. But it's not just a diet. The problem with a normal diet is that my body stores insulin rather than using it. By eating starches and sugars, I was making my problem worse. So I have limited my intake of simple sugars. I don't cheat myself if I want something. I eat what I want, but I am more conscious about it. I don't eat bread. At all. Or potatoes. I feel like they are my worst enemies in this. On the flip side, fat and protein are my new best friends. Ice cream! I can eat all the ice cream I want because the fat content is higher than the sugar content, my body will break it down slower, therefore not storing any of the insulin made. So yay me! I have finally found what works. My doc had me on clomid. That did not help. I think my hormones went more psycho than they were. The first month I was on clomid, I got a false positive pregnancy test. So that sucked. But I am over it. I am now on a mission to make my body healthy so that when I do actually get pregnant, the baby's living quarters will be nice and cozy. I quit taking the clomid and decided to give eastern medicine a shot. I now take a million herbal supplements a day, but I feel much better than I have in years! I think I found a good combination. I take cinnamon, inositol, lecithin, omega 3, vitex, b- complex, apple cider vinegar and I have just added dong quai, red raspberry leaf tea, and saw palmetto to my regimen. I am no longer the bitch that I was. I have been charting my temps since I started clomid and now that I am taking all the herbals, it has balanced out. It seems that my reproductive organs are doing what they are supposed to and I couldn't be happier about it. I now feel the obligation to help others with PCOS. 2 of my cousins have it, a good friend of mine has it and I am sure many more people that I know have it and they have not been tested for it. So look out world, I am now advocating for PCOS awareness. There are some major health complications associated with the disorder such as ovarian cancer, infertility, uterine cancer... Everyone should be aware of this disorder and the things that you can do yourself to make it better. So that's that. On a lighter note, I am moving back to Greer just as soon as I can. I have always loathed California and I can't wait to be back on the right coast!!

And then there was one

Lonely, I'm so lonely, I have no body.... okay, that's a lie. But I am all alone. Except for my soon to be fetus that should be touching down in uterusland any day now. Ha! How's that for optimism? I am actually very confident. Like overly confident. Like I have already seen what is going to happen. And before any snide comments about me being psychoti.... psychic are made, I have dreamed in prophecy since I was a kid. No joke. Ask my Mommy. She was there for that. At least sometimes anywho. Once, while we were looking for a new house to rent, we pulled up to a two story house that I had seen before. I told my mom I had been there before and she said no, you haven't. I was like well, I have seen it before and proceeded to tell her where EVERYTHING was in the house. She was like, eh whatever, then we went inside. It was exactly as I had described it. She asked me where I had seen it and I told her I thought I had seen it in my dream. That was the first time my prophetic ass saw something pretty cool. Or at least the first that I remember. I am bored. And I don't want to work. I want to sit here and eff off and when I am asked why I didn't do anything, I will be like, Oh, I'm sorry, did you pay me??? Okay, so I am being a little on the bitchy dramatic side today. My hormones are apparently on the rampage again. Sometimes I just hate being around people. No, I'm not going to be more specific because it does me no good to tear someone down that doesn't even realize they have stepped on my toes- especially if they don't read this. And the least I can do is say how I feel to their faces. So I shall keep my bitching to myself. At least for now and until I am unable to keep it all inside. I have been listening to my mePod a lot and sleeping a lot. I have been exhausted, though. But sometimes the sleep and the mePod just make it easier for me to be on my best behavior. I have a lot more control over my mouth and my emotions now that I know what the cause is. I don't know why it would take knowing the cause to harness it, but it did. And I am sticking to my story, brah! I find myself taking a deep breath if someone ruffles my feathers and I feel like I am about to flip out. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. I feel bad for the people on the other end of my hormones. Like my husband. Poor guy. He had no idea he married a bitch. He has been so patient and understanding. I probably would have already smothered myself with a pillow if I were in his shoes. But he hasn't. And he has had plenty of opportunity! So my hubby and his pops went to deliver a spa to a couple that lives like an hour and a half away. So by my calculations, I will still be sitting at this store an hour after we close. Yay me! (in case it went undetected, that was sarcasm) I'm thinking if I get high enough, I could stay here all damn night!! Uh, maybe not. 8 hours is more than enough a day. Well, I have things to see, people to do. I am off!

And Then There Was One

Lonely, I'm so lonely, I have no body.... okay, that's a lie. But I am all alone. Except for my soon to be fetus that should be touching down in uterusland any day now. Ha! How's that for optimism? I am actually very confident. Like overly confident. Like I have already seen what is going to happen. And before any snide comments about me being psychoti.... psychic are made, I have dreamed in prophecy since I was a kid. No joke. Ask my Mommy. She was there for that. At least sometimes anywho. Once, while we were looking for a new house to rent, we pulled up to a two story house that I had seen before. I told my mom I had been there before and she said no, you haven't. I was like well, I have seen it before and proceeded to tell her where EVERYTHING was in the house. She was like, eh whatever, then we went inside. It was exactly as I had described it. She asked me where I had seen it and I told her I thought I had seen it in my dream. That was the first time my prophetic ass saw something pretty cool. Or at least the first that I remember.

PCOS and me

So what I have read and understand about PCOS is that I am insulin resistant and should stay away from starches and sugars.... can you say high fat high protein diet? I about fell in the floor. My whole life I have stayed away from those categories simply because they do take so long to break down and if it isn't used it is stored. Well apparently my body needs me to eat things that take a long time to break down because otherwise the insulin would just turn into fat and be stored???? As you can tell, I am still very confused by all of this. Apparently weight loss with PCOS is a bitch! But, since my last doctor appointment on May 17th, I have lost 3 pounds. My body looks more curvy and womanly and my boobs have gotten bigger. Like a whole cup size bigger. I didn't think that was a side effect, but my hubby isn't complaining.
Doc Greene prescribed me Clomid. Basically when he came into the exam room he said you have a disorder called PCOS and you have 2 choices. Either you want to have kids or you do not want to have kids. If you don't want to have kids, we will put you on birth control which will force your body and hormones to do what they have refused to do. If you do want to have kids, we will put you on Clomid. I of course said I wanted to have kids. So I took my first cycle of Clomid- which is 5 pills taken one a day during your period to force ovulation. So once again, we wait. I have felt sicker than... I don't know what. But I have been pretty sick.
Anyone thinking they may try Clomid, be aware you are about to be on an emotional roller coaster that you would gladly sit out if you could. I was sad, I was mean, I was okay, I was happy, I was mad and then it started all over again. It has been horrible!! But, the way I am eating, this medication and exercise (yes, I AM exercising) should bring my hormone levels back to good.

My hormones are hazardous to YOUR health!

Yeah, it's been a while. I am in Bishop, CA running the pool store and things here are good. It isn't home and let me be the first to say it NEVER will be, but I have a wonderful family here, so maybe I can adjust.

Last Tuesday (May 17) I went to a hormone therapy specialist. After an ultrasound, blood tests and sugar tests, I was diagnosed as having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I had a notion that this was the cause of my hormone problems i.e. bitchiness, anger, aggression, violence, attitude, smart mouth and so on and so forth. I also thought that this was the reason I have not conceived since losing my angel 2 years ago. And my suspicions were confirmed. I am now taking Clomid to see if I can conceive and I am on the CRAZIEST diet! High protein and high fat so that's cool. I don't have a whole lot of time to get into it, so I will elaborate more later. I am off to do some work!!