Three

It happened again. I got pregnant in August last year. Again. We conceived number three on the blue moon in August. It was so frightening. But so exciting. I kept thinking, if I can make it past six weeks, this pregnancy would be good. This baby would make it and all the pain in my heart would be gone. I kept getting sick. Good sign, right? No pain! Another good sign! We went shopping. We picked out the furniture we wanted. The theme for the baby's room. Toys and clothes. This pregnancy felt like it was a good one. I quit worrying about it. My sister was pregnant with her second at the time. She was almost exactly four months ahead. We were so excited! Our babies are gonna be the best of friends! September 29th my sister had her oldest child's birthday party at her house. I was six and a half weeks at the time. It was a neat party. Ashley is so creative! It was a painting theme. All the kids had a canvas to paint what they desired. It was the coolest idea I had ever seen! When the party started winding down, I started getting crampy pain. I just thought I had to use the bathroom. When I tried to go, nothing happened. The pain was central so I definitely did not think it was an ectopic issue and I wasn't bleeding so I knew I wasn't losing this one. But I hurt so bad! I started getting very hot! I started taking clothes off. The pain kept getting worse. In my sister's guest bathroom with a house full of people, I was laying on the floor half naked over the air vent, burning up and all I could think is I'm dying. I had never had pain like that before! When the pain eased off and I wasn't on fire anymore, I got back up, redressed and went to sit in the living room. It hurt to sit. Everyone asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I said no, it had eased off and I was okay. It was probably just gas pain. My sister's mother in law said it sounded like diverticulitis. Gas pain and a blockage in my intestine. I could see that being the problem. So I accepted that and we went home. Laying in bed, I started thinking about my last pregnancy. I remember being in a lot of pain (nothing compared to what I was going through that day). I also remembered trying to pass it off as gas pain. I started worrying that I might have another ectopic pregnancy. Then, I remembered that the last time, the pain was on the side, not central. So I talked myself out of being worried, bought some benefiber to try and help with a blocked intestine and went on about things. The pain didn't go away, but it did ease off. That following Wednesday, October 3rd, Larry and I went to the doctor for our first ultrasound and confirmation of pregnancy. An ultrasound tech did the ultrasound first. At 7 weeks, I was shocked when she said she didn't see the baby in the uterus. She said that I was probably only four or so weeks. Um, no, I am seven weeks. And my last pregnancy was an ectopic on the left side. She went back to the monitor and proceeded to look toward my left side on the ultrasound. She took a couple of pictures, removed the wand, and said, I see it now. And it is ectopic. I'm sorry. Larry broke down. I tried to wrap my head around the words that had just been spoken. Ectopic. Again? My doctor came in and she was really upset. She was the same OB that I had seen with my last pregnancy and I was one of her first patients in her career. She and I had gotten close over the months- as far as doctors go- that I had been seeing her. She looked at the ultrasound pictures and said that I had to go to the hospital. Now. Later that night as I was prepped to have the baby removed, Larry was inconsolable. I was still in shock. I was upset but I knew that we were doing what had to be done. This baby could kill me. Larry couldn't see that part of it and as the anesthesia kicked in, I remember thinking that I hoped my husband's heart would stop hurting. Surgery went well. When I woke up to be transferred to a room, my OB and surgeon was getting ready to leave. She looked at me and said, your left tube had burst. You are lucky it clotted and not hemorhagged. I was lucky I didn't die. I later found out that the baby had attached itself to my belly and again, I was lucky that it had not yet hit a blood vessel. Talk about too close for comfort. I almost died. It didn't change the fact that I had lost another child. But it helped to know that without me, it couldn't survive and I wouldn't survive with it. My doctor removed my left tube hopefully eliminating my problem with carrying a child. Larry and I are now trying again. I'm not sure I am ready but I need this to take away the pain in my heart. I have had a really hard time. I can't really talk to anyone about how I feel. It's hard to mourn people you never met. It's hard to miss someone that didnt even have a name. Baby # 3's due date is coming up. I was due May 23rd. I can't explain how difficult it is to get out of bed every day. How hard it is to smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong when I am dying inside. Hard to explain my occasional breakdowns. No one seems to understand why I am still broken. I told Larry I wanted to put names to our babies. We decided to go with unisex names. We are calling the first Sam, the second, Alex and the last, Shannon. At least now I have names for what I am missing so much. I know I have rambled. A lot. But I can't explain in any organized way what it in my head.

Today

Today is February the somethingth, 2012. It's weird to say that year. And it's crazy that we are already one month into the year. I guess when life quits being "Monday through Friday" and becomes "cycle day and days past ovulation", things move a little quicker. Today I am on cycle day 9 and ovulation is expected sometime between the 7th and the 14th of February. PCOS has made timing a little unpredictable but I think I have gotten it down to a science. On my 14th day I start using progesterone cream. I use it until I have a positive pee test or until I start the next cycle. Since the first day after my period, hubby and I have been baby dancing every other day and will be until after ovulation. It seems so simple. I'm very hopeful. I feel like I am going to achieve a sticky bean this time. Hopefully it won't stop in the tube. So this conception, it consumes me. It's all I want. Baby fever doesn't even cover it. I feel like life should have more meaning but right now, that's it. This baby we are trying for is life. I live and breathe this conception. Oh my gosh baby, baby, baby! I'm annoying myself at this point. But I have so much love already for a child I have yet to conceive. And I want to be at home with the baby. I know someone that is a stay at home mom but she isn't happy. But she isn't me and I am not her. I want to be there for everything in my child's life. I want to hold them and play with them and teach them. I want to plan their day and make every moment one of a kind. I want to be there when they go to school and when they get home. Omgosh I am obsessed. I will probably be overprotective too. Poor kid. They aren't even conceived yet and I am planning their childhood. I've still been healing emotionally from my last pregnancy. It's easier to put on a smile and act like nothing ever happened then to think of all the physical and emotional pain I went through just over a month ago. Two of my family members are currently pregnant. They are a few weeks ahead of where I would be. I hate reading their status updates and trying to be happy and excited for them. I am happy for them, I'm just having a hard time not thinking about my recent past when I think about their pregnancies. Another cousin had her baby a month before I lost this one. It hurts, too. I still haven't held the baby. I did touch him the last time I saw him but that is it. I hope my cousin understands, but oh well if she doesn't. I don't want to hurt her but I just can't hold her son. Not yet. I know burying my pain is the wrong thing to do, but I get the impression that most people think I should be over it and on with my life. Which is why I fake smiles and push it further down. God, please fix these holes in my heart....

Another Angel Baby

It happened again. I got pregnant in November and found out when I was 3 weeks and a few days. Let me rephrase that, I unintentionally got pregnant. I was so happy. Shocked. Consumed. In love. I didn't have a worry or care in the world. Then one day while at work I started getting some pain- not centrally abdominal but off to the left. I sat down to wait out the aches. Then I headed to the bathroom. That's when I saw blood. And that's all it took. I called my mom who picked up my husband and met me at the hospital. It was too early too see anything on an ultrasound but the pain had subsided. For the most part. The doc did warn me that it may be an ectopic pregnancy but I was not concerned. This baby was a fighter. Every other day for a week or so, I hurt on my left side. And as the days progressed so did the pain. Each time it came back, I hurt worse than the last time. I followed up with an OB that said my hcg levels weren't rising like they should be. There was still a good chance of a good pregnancy but she really thought that this one may be ectopic. If my pain got worse I needed to go back to the er as this pregnancy could kill me. Again, I was not worried. Mommy's lil fighter was gonna be just fine. After leaving the doctor that day, my pain came back. And it was bad. By that night, I couldn't sleep at all. I would have to get up run hot water on my left side, lay with my pup to calm me down and try again only to be forced to do it all over. By the time my husband got up for work, I knew we had to go to the hospital. My hcg levels had dropped and they still couldn't see anything on the ultrasound. I was losing this baby. After the ultrasound, my pain was unbearable, even after one shot of demerall. They gave me another shot of demerall and then I slept for what seemed the first time in a year. After all of this, I now had to go home and wait for my lil fighter to die. It hurt so bad emotionally. But the universe and God are taking care of me. I miscarried out my left tube. My theory is the tissue that was my baby is now a piece of me forever. The saving grace in this is I could have died. This pregnancy could have killed us both if it had not miscarried like it did. It doesn't make it hurt any less but it helps to have reason and peace of mind. Currently I have just started my first cycle since the loss and hubby and I are going to get right back to it and pray for a miracle this time.

Babies, babies, babies

Every time I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Someone else just had a baby. Someone else has a family. Their kids are starting school or playing sports or have joined the girl scouts or cub scouts. They are helping their kids with their homework or telling them that the monster under the bed is not real. I am tired of watching all of my friends and family raising their child while I struggle everyday with a disorder that causes infertility and cancer. I know that I will have a baby someday. Even if not my own, I will adopt. I just have baby fever. Bad. I don't want to be that child's Aunt, I want to be that child's mommy. I keep asking myself if I would be a good mother. Maybe I wouldn't. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time. I don't know. It's not something that I understand. I have had many dreams about my future children. Maybe they are the ghosts of my lost babies. I had a tarot reading done and the young lady that did it told me she saw 2 boys. She also saw 2 other spirits. She said she didn't know if they were children that I may have down the road or if they were my lost babies. The night before I got the reading done, I was talking to my mom about my infertility and I told her that I didn't understand that if the babies choose their parents, why not me? In the reading I had done, the girl said that one of the boys wanted her to tell me that he chose me, but he wasn't ready yet. I found that comment ironic. I totally believe that he spoke to her. I can't wait to see those babies. I hope that my reading was true. And all I have is hope. Hope and faith in God to do his will in my life. I noticed that I was lacking God in my life. I didn't have the relationship with Him that I should and have tried to have the strength to leave it in his hands. And to have faith that he will provide. In the meantime, I am taking better care of myself and through herbs, I am regulating my body. I have made lifestyle changes to manage my disorder and I have never felt better in my life. I think I am on the right road, I just hope that I am not too late. I am also trying to be a better person. My mother is one of the most positive and happy people I have ever met and I am trying to instill those things in my life. Let's just say that I didn't like who I had become and I didn't want to be that person anymore. My unborn children deserve a better person for a mom than I was 2 months ago. With all my changes and my recent drive back to Greer, SC, I feel good about my future. But my husband is still in California. He will be there for another few weeks. So in my time without my best friend, I am working on me. And I hope that when he gets here that the baby making will be much easier. Until then....

PCOS

So, I found out that I have PCOS and I have made some drastic changes in my lifestyle. I am on the low glycemic index diet. But it's not just a diet. The problem with a normal diet is that my body stores insulin rather than using it. By eating starches and sugars, I was making my problem worse. So I have limited my intake of simple sugars. I don't cheat myself if I want something. I eat what I want, but I am more conscious about it. I don't eat bread. At all. Or potatoes. I feel like they are my worst enemies in this. On the flip side, fat and protein are my new best friends. Ice cream! I can eat all the ice cream I want because the fat content is higher than the sugar content, my body will break it down slower, therefore not storing any of the insulin made. So yay me! I have finally found what works. My doc had me on clomid. That did not help. I think my hormones went more psycho than they were. The first month I was on clomid, I got a false positive pregnancy test. So that sucked. But I am over it. I am now on a mission to make my body healthy so that when I do actually get pregnant, the baby's living quarters will be nice and cozy. I quit taking the clomid and decided to give eastern medicine a shot. I now take a million herbal supplements a day, but I feel much better than I have in years! I think I found a good combination. I take cinnamon, inositol, lecithin, omega 3, vitex, b- complex, apple cider vinegar and I have just added dong quai, red raspberry leaf tea, and saw palmetto to my regimen. I am no longer the bitch that I was. I have been charting my temps since I started clomid and now that I am taking all the herbals, it has balanced out. It seems that my reproductive organs are doing what they are supposed to and I couldn't be happier about it. I now feel the obligation to help others with PCOS. 2 of my cousins have it, a good friend of mine has it and I am sure many more people that I know have it and they have not been tested for it. So look out world, I am now advocating for PCOS awareness. There are some major health complications associated with the disorder such as ovarian cancer, infertility, uterine cancer... Everyone should be aware of this disorder and the things that you can do yourself to make it better. So that's that. On a lighter note, I am moving back to Greer just as soon as I can. I have always loathed California and I can't wait to be back on the right coast!!

And then there was one

Lonely, I'm so lonely, I have no body.... okay, that's a lie. But I am all alone. Except for my soon to be fetus that should be touching down in uterusland any day now. Ha! How's that for optimism? I am actually very confident. Like overly confident. Like I have already seen what is going to happen. And before any snide comments about me being psychoti.... psychic are made, I have dreamed in prophecy since I was a kid. No joke. Ask my Mommy. She was there for that. At least sometimes anywho. Once, while we were looking for a new house to rent, we pulled up to a two story house that I had seen before. I told my mom I had been there before and she said no, you haven't. I was like well, I have seen it before and proceeded to tell her where EVERYTHING was in the house. She was like, eh whatever, then we went inside. It was exactly as I had described it. She asked me where I had seen it and I told her I thought I had seen it in my dream. That was the first time my prophetic ass saw something pretty cool. Or at least the first that I remember. I am bored. And I don't want to work. I want to sit here and eff off and when I am asked why I didn't do anything, I will be like, Oh, I'm sorry, did you pay me??? Okay, so I am being a little on the bitchy dramatic side today. My hormones are apparently on the rampage again. Sometimes I just hate being around people. No, I'm not going to be more specific because it does me no good to tear someone down that doesn't even realize they have stepped on my toes- especially if they don't read this. And the least I can do is say how I feel to their faces. So I shall keep my bitching to myself. At least for now and until I am unable to keep it all inside. I have been listening to my mePod a lot and sleeping a lot. I have been exhausted, though. But sometimes the sleep and the mePod just make it easier for me to be on my best behavior. I have a lot more control over my mouth and my emotions now that I know what the cause is. I don't know why it would take knowing the cause to harness it, but it did. And I am sticking to my story, brah! I find myself taking a deep breath if someone ruffles my feathers and I feel like I am about to flip out. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. I feel bad for the people on the other end of my hormones. Like my husband. Poor guy. He had no idea he married a bitch. He has been so patient and understanding. I probably would have already smothered myself with a pillow if I were in his shoes. But he hasn't. And he has had plenty of opportunity! So my hubby and his pops went to deliver a spa to a couple that lives like an hour and a half away. So by my calculations, I will still be sitting at this store an hour after we close. Yay me! (in case it went undetected, that was sarcasm) I'm thinking if I get high enough, I could stay here all damn night!! Uh, maybe not. 8 hours is more than enough a day. Well, I have things to see, people to do. I am off!

And Then There Was One

Lonely, I'm so lonely, I have no body.... okay, that's a lie. But I am all alone. Except for my soon to be fetus that should be touching down in uterusland any day now. Ha! How's that for optimism? I am actually very confident. Like overly confident. Like I have already seen what is going to happen. And before any snide comments about me being psychoti.... psychic are made, I have dreamed in prophecy since I was a kid. No joke. Ask my Mommy. She was there for that. At least sometimes anywho. Once, while we were looking for a new house to rent, we pulled up to a two story house that I had seen before. I told my mom I had been there before and she said no, you haven't. I was like well, I have seen it before and proceeded to tell her where EVERYTHING was in the house. She was like, eh whatever, then we went inside. It was exactly as I had described it. She asked me where I had seen it and I told her I thought I had seen it in my dream. That was the first time my prophetic ass saw something pretty cool. Or at least the first that I remember.

PCOS and me

So what I have read and understand about PCOS is that I am insulin resistant and should stay away from starches and sugars.... can you say high fat high protein diet? I about fell in the floor. My whole life I have stayed away from those categories simply because they do take so long to break down and if it isn't used it is stored. Well apparently my body needs me to eat things that take a long time to break down because otherwise the insulin would just turn into fat and be stored???? As you can tell, I am still very confused by all of this. Apparently weight loss with PCOS is a bitch! But, since my last doctor appointment on May 17th, I have lost 3 pounds. My body looks more curvy and womanly and my boobs have gotten bigger. Like a whole cup size bigger. I didn't think that was a side effect, but my hubby isn't complaining.
Doc Greene prescribed me Clomid. Basically when he came into the exam room he said you have a disorder called PCOS and you have 2 choices. Either you want to have kids or you do not want to have kids. If you don't want to have kids, we will put you on birth control which will force your body and hormones to do what they have refused to do. If you do want to have kids, we will put you on Clomid. I of course said I wanted to have kids. So I took my first cycle of Clomid- which is 5 pills taken one a day during your period to force ovulation. So once again, we wait. I have felt sicker than... I don't know what. But I have been pretty sick.
Anyone thinking they may try Clomid, be aware you are about to be on an emotional roller coaster that you would gladly sit out if you could. I was sad, I was mean, I was okay, I was happy, I was mad and then it started all over again. It has been horrible!! But, the way I am eating, this medication and exercise (yes, I AM exercising) should bring my hormone levels back to good.

My hormones are hazardous to YOUR health!

Yeah, it's been a while. I am in Bishop, CA running the pool store and things here are good. It isn't home and let me be the first to say it NEVER will be, but I have a wonderful family here, so maybe I can adjust.

Last Tuesday (May 17) I went to a hormone therapy specialist. After an ultrasound, blood tests and sugar tests, I was diagnosed as having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I had a notion that this was the cause of my hormone problems i.e. bitchiness, anger, aggression, violence, attitude, smart mouth and so on and so forth. I also thought that this was the reason I have not conceived since losing my angel 2 years ago. And my suspicions were confirmed. I am now taking Clomid to see if I can conceive and I am on the CRAZIEST diet! High protein and high fat so that's cool. I don't have a whole lot of time to get into it, so I will elaborate more later. I am off to do some work!!

And the winner is...

So, the decision has been made. California here we come. Again. I was thinking about both places and the opportunities both held for us. Although I have family and friends in SC, there is no promise of a lucrative future. In California, we will be making enough money so I can go home any time I want. It seems like the better choice of the two. So I agreed to it, figuring if it is not meant to happen, it won't. Kinda like me getting pregnant. Must not be meant to be right now. I know I write about babies the most, or better yet, I whine about it. It's just hard for me to accept my challenges with fertility. So anywho, I am ready for the next adventure in my gypsy life. Ready for new and exciting things to happen. And maybe along the way, I can afford to go to a doctor to find out why I am pregnancy challenged. Maybe it's something easy peasy. That would be great! And if the Gods have deemed me childless, than I shall accept that fact and be grateful for the amazing pup that I have. And my incredible husband.

So what do we do?

Tonight I am sad. Larry and I want different things when we leave Washington. He wants California, I want South Carolina. We both don't want any resentment from the other. We don't want our families to be angry. And neither of us wants to be selfish. So this shit isn't going to work. I'm not talking about seperation or divorce, just a rock and a hard place. We asked Hootch what state he wanted to live in. He wasn't any help. I do know one thing, Washington is not it. I need sunshine! I need to feel warm every now and then. I hate it here. I feel like my world is ending and Washington is hell. I miss my family and my friends. South Carolina is definitely home, but I wanna make Larry happy, too. So what are we going to do? We flipped a coin last time. Our decision was not based on the outcome of the coin toss, but we did go where the mystical coin told us. Maybe we should try it again. I just don't know.

Onward and upward, I haven't had a period since September 27thish. I've been slightly nauseated and extremely tired, but my impending periods can do that sometimes. My lower abdomen feels hard. But I have been fooled before. The late period means nothing considering I haven't had a normal cycle since I lost my angel January of 2009. My breasts do seem engorged, but that can and does happen right before a period. So I'm stuck wondering. I hate to wonder and speculate alone. Speaking of alone, we have no friends here. No one that really knows us and can listen when we bitch. I am sure that is adding to the sadness. I am so sad today, too. That conversation Larry and I had upset me. I still have tears. I just want what I want this time around. And California was supposed to be temporary. We were gonna get back on our feet and go back to SC. There were no jobs there which is why we are here. In the effin evergreen state. Evergreen. Evercloudy. Everrainy. Everdepressing. Anywho, so when I thought we had decided it would be SC we were heading to, my father in law calls and tells Larry of this business venture he would like for us to be a part of. In California, of course. And now we have come full circle. This argument will be on the debate floor until we are packed to leave, I'm sure.

Freakin out

So this babysitting gig, it's getting old. I'm pretty sure if it were my own kids I would feel better. Maybe. And sometimes I think I wouldn't be a good mother. Maybe that is why I am having a hard time getting pregnant. Patience is not my strong suit. The little one fights sleep. A lot. And for some reason it frustrates me. I don't scream at him or beat him or anything. I just get aggravated. I guess I suck at this. But I still want a baby. I think pot would help with the patience. And don't give me the bullshit bad parenting crap. Read a fucking book. Pot just makes you happy. It does not inhibit your ability to function. We're watching this movie super high me. It's all about pot. It's very educational. This situation is causing tension between Larry and I. I feel like a lot is put on me. Both meals, naps, snacks. He helps, but I am frustrated a lot, so I'm thinking it's not enough help. But I know he thinks I am better at this stuff. And maybe I am, but I still want help. Well enough whining for one session. Will holla!

Popcorn with a hint of Johnny's seasoning

Yum! While in the RV, Larry and I got the munchies. His sister had left some snacks in here from their last trip, so we started looking for something good. And we came up with popcorn. Popcorn is always good, but the same old gets old. We checked out the spices that were left in here to try and change it up a bit. And there it was, Johnny's seasoning salt. We added the Johnny's and like crack addicts, we ate all the popcorn we could handle. Hootch included. So now any time we are out here and I get the munchies, I pop a bag and pour on the good stuff. It's like the best thing to happen to popcorn since movie theatre butter. Mmmmmm. I love it like a fat kid loves cake.

So our situation at hand is getting old, quick. I would love to go back and change things so this never would've happened. I hate living like a gypsy. I don't even get the overall benefits that a gypsy has. I don't rob people. I just move. A lot. I was thinking about how many times I have moved this decade. It's a lot. Started on Cornelson in Greer, SC and moved to Cannon in Greer. Then to Easley, Williamston, and back to Cannon. From there I went to Charleston, then S. Buncombe in Greer. Then there was the duplex in Greenville, SC, Circle Dr. In Greer, then apartments in Greenville, Blue Ridge in Greer, and Taylors, SC. Then I moved to Statesville, NC. And temporarily a shitty apartment with some shitty people in Mooresville, NC. Back to Statesville, then a different apartment with some cool people in Mooresville, NC. On to Terrell, NC. Then we meandered through Benton, CA and Fullerton, CA. Back to Greer on Locust Rd. Then Reidville Rd. in Greer. Then back to Benton, CA. And the final stop on our tour (for now), Oak Harbor, WA. That is frickin 23 times in 10 efffin years. That's just nuts to me. I hate moving!!!! So what is causing me to do it more than twice a year? Seriously, that's just not right.

I love being in my head

So easily distracted am I. Twenty minutes ago I was flipping through my saved web pages thinking I would write a little. Then I heard a part of a song I like so I googled the lyrics to make sure it said what I thought. And it did. So I youtubed it so I could hear it now. All this while watching Family Guy. Easily distracted and amused. It's fun being me.

Blah blah blah

Free time for pooch and me so I thought I would babble on. Larry is helping his brother in law skin a deer. I am not a hunter by any means but my husband is. I don't want any part of it. I'm like yeah you're gonna have to wash all that deer blood and fur and guts off of you before you come back in here. Not much hunting in my family, but his whole family- immediate and extended- are deer hunters. Very foreign and bloody to me. Plus- I have never shot a gun. They scare me. I was going to let Larry teach me, but when we got down to it, I started crying. I'm such a pansy. So when I was in school learning U.S. geography, it never dawned on me that the state of Washington, being right below Canada, would be a cold state. And if you were wondering, it is. Since we have been here, it has been cold, gloomy, and rainy. I've seen rays of sunshine, but I don't recall having actually seen the sun. Maybe that's why I am depressed. Plus, what a big let down- I haven't seen a single vampire. No Edward. No Alice. No Bella. I'm disappointed. I was hoping to see the Cullen family and maybe even Jacob. But no. Apparently Twilight is fictional.

Emo me

OMG I just want my life back. My little shit hole house and my husband and my dog. I want a job and money to spend and pay bills. I just feel like everything that made me happy is gone. I want to be back in Greer where I feel at home. I can feel myself getting more depressed all the time. But how selfish I am to expect Larry to sacrifice his happiness and do what I want. Like a spoiled child. His family is wonderful but I just can't be happy. I just pretend that nothing is wrong, blink away tears and say I'm okay. I'm not okay. I am lost. Everyday I wake up, go into my sis in laws house and watch two beautiful children. And everyday I am reminded that my child was taken away. Seriously, why is it that people that don't care about their kids are blessed with many and all I want is one. One child to call me mommy. It feels like I will never have that in my life. It also feels like I am being a whiny little bitch today. I blame my emo state on hormones. I think mine are going nucking futs. I didn't sleep all day today so that's nice. And now I am over my little tantrum. Moving on, today we went to the navy exchange. It's like a military walmart. Where walmart has wrangler brand the navy exchange has Ralph Lauren. So I guess it would be like the Rolls Royce of walmarts. Right now, pup and I are in the RV. Sitting on the bed. He's probably thinking about the treats I promised him and forgot to bring, and I am thinking about the disaster that is my life. Seems like there is no light at the end of this tunnel. I wish I was schizo so the personality I call me could go to sleep till this is all over and my auto pilot personality could handle all the bullshit for me. Any advice would be appreciated.

How we ended up in sunny Seattle

It's been a long time. And our lives have been turned upside down. Not that you will be surprised, but my pee stick was negative. Kinda like my attitude toward the whole thing I guess. In the some odd months that I have been away from my writing, my husband and I have moved from Greer, South Carolina to Benton, California to Oak Harbor, Washington. See what happened was I got a job and I was working. Larry was working for my sister's poor-example-of-a-man husband. My mom was in the hospital so collectively the four of us were waiting in the ER waiting room or my mom's ER room for some explanation for her being there. Ashley's piece of shit flips out...... Okay long story short he calls me an inconsiderate bitch for not leaving my mother's room at his command. Naturally, my husband gets pissed. He stews all weekend. By Monday he is in such a tizzy he is practically hyperventilating by the time he gets to work. He tells piece of shit that he doesn't think them working together is going to work. Piece of shit then tries to flex his lack of muscle and acts like he is gonna hit Larry. I call the cops. Piece of shit knows if he touches my husband a lot of shit is going to happen. First he is gonna get his ass whooped by my young stud husband. Second, I'm gonna get involved and throw a few, too. Then his punk ass would be going to jail, he would have some serious issues in his marriage. I was ready to get down redneck style. Instead, piece of shit just runs his mouth. Eventually, he maces my husband. Yeah, I know, we could own his business right now, but Larry didn't want issues between me and my sis. The point is if he wasn't so convinced the world revolved around him, Larry wouldn't have quit. Ultimately I really just feel like he is the reason my world fell apart and now live 3,000 miles away. I'm so good at the blame game. Anywho- when life hands you limes you make margaritas. So we are living in an RV. Larry's sister needed a full time babysitter and neither of us have found work otherwise, so here we are. Oh and speaking of job hunting, I can't even get a mother effin interview. No call, no return email, nothing. Like I never applied. This frickin recession has not turned around. The poor are still poor. The rich are richer. And such is life. Hootch and Larry are sleeping. I suppose I should be. It's almost 4am. So if this doesn't post because I wrote it on my mePod I am going to be pissed. And if it does, yea for me!

It's been several hours and.....

No, I'm not gonna break into song. It's been a few days. I've had visions of positive pee tests dancing in my head. Although I can't be sure that we have conceived, I have an unshakable hunch that we did. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. It's very hard to do. What sucks is the waiting. I'm not the most patient person in the world. It hasn't even been a week since ovulation, and it feels like a month. Apparently the two week wait is an eternity. Before losing the baby last year, we knew we were pregnant for about ten days. Those ten days seemed to have taken a long time. I have a ton of memories of that time. Like my first real aversion to food. I had bought some dill pickle flavored Pringles because I love pickle flavored chips. I had one and almost threw up. We had not even taken a pee test at that point. I remember peeing on the stick- I think it was the next night- and I wasn't thinking I would be. I set it down on the counter to flush. When I looked at it again, there were two pink lines. I couldn't believe it. I picked it up to look closer like maybe my eyes were lying to me. Nope, no lie, I was pregnant. My husband was so excited. We called everyone we knew. Looking back, I know God knew what he was doing. We couldn't have supported the pregnancy. We both went to school 30 hours a week. Larry wasn't working- he had just quit his job. I only worked 1 day a week for $200 a month. Me and that kid would have been starving. That's not to say I don't still hurt from the loss. I was pretty sure that one was a girl. Call it momma's intuition. At this point, I am hopeful. I've had a pretty powerful group of young ladies praying for this time around. Now all I can do is wait.

Habits and money

I slept so good last night. I think I actually fell asleep before Larry. And Hootch. It was nice not to be the last one comfortable. I took a whole Benadryl before I went to bed. I didn't have a chance. That Benadryl kicked my ass. I got up with Larry at 6:30, so maybe when I try to sleep tonight it will be a breeze. My dad has Righteous Kill on. Can't believe how old Al Pacino and Robert Deniro look. Pacino looks like he has some hair plugs or something. Dad is a movie nut. Me, I'd rather listen to the sound of me typing then fill my head with a movie this early. And I say early because it is. For the most part, my brain is still on standby. The fact that I have anything to say is amazing to me. Found some pornographic quizes on facebook. I was pissed. I have nephews on facebook. I don't want them to come across that crap, not that they don't know what sex is already, but if I can help keep them innocent, I will. So, I reported them. Felt good about myself. Lol. Did my good deed for the year. Trying to find someone that will hire me. Apparently, I'm not desirable as an employee. Little do they know that I would take their job, anyway. Actually, that might be why they won't hire me. So I'm a little cocky, so what? I'm out of nicotine. My inner bitch is about to awaken. It sucks being broke and having a habit. This habit is ultimately more expensive than pot was. I spend five bucks every two days for smokes. I spent thirty bucks every two weeks or more for pot. I haven't actually done the math, but sounds to me like Marlboro Gold 100's is making more money off me in the long run. Pot is easy to quit. Smoking, not so much. I hate smoking. I hate the smell, I hate second hand, I hate everything about it. Except for the taste. I love the taste of tobacco. They got me young, too. Damn Marlboro Man!!! Anywho, that's about all I got in me for the moment. Until next time!

Big scary dog

I love having an intimidating dog. People come to the door and it's about all I can do to keep him from going through it. I don't worry about anyone "casing" my house or plotting to do anything. He would tear them up!! My poor mailman came to the door once. I didn't hear him, but Hootch did. He barked so loud and violently, the mailman ran off our porch and left our property so fast, I think he broke the sound barrier. It was so funny! Just a few minutes ago, I had someone come to the door trying to generate business for his landscaping company. Hootch was pissed. He was snarling, the fur on his back was standing on end. I'm pretty sure the guy didn't want to stay and talk after that. I know he won't be back. Everybody is afraid of him, until they get to know him. When we go through a drive-thru, especially McDonald's, he leans out the driver side window anticipating his french fry treats. When we get to the window, the person working drive-thru is usually hesitant to take our money or give us our food until I tell them he is friendly. "He's nice, just excited about his fries." They still try to avoid him. He is a big scary dog. But such a lovey puppy. He has only met one person he didn't like. The guy is weird, though. Like psycho meats unibomber kinda weird, so I can't blame him for not trusting the guy. Hootch hates cats!! We have some feral cats living under the house. One ran out and across the road one day just as I was taking Hootch out to pees. That moose of a dog pulled me down the stairs trying to get to that poor cat. And I'm no twig. Big enough to keep him from doing something like that, or so I thought. I now have a scar on my right breast from the rocks that embedded themselves into me as I was pulled across the ground. I was pissed! I can laugh now, though. I can't believe he was able to drag me down those stairs. I even prepared for him to lunge, stood my ground, I thought. He proved me wrong. Once he realized what he did, he stood in one spot until I got up, trying to make sure I was okay. He is something else!!


Doesn't he look ferocious?

Laundry and Jackie Chan

Laundry day, woohoo! I hate laundry. And dishes. Well, chores in general. I'm watching Rush Hour 3. I love Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. They are hilarious together. I'm gonna try a more positive approach today. See how it goes. My pup and I stayed in bed today till late. And I mean late. It's hard to get outta bed when he is curled up against me. I sleep so good with that dog. My dad went to hang out with my sis and her little girl. They haven't spent too much time together since he has been here. It's been a month since they have done anything together. My sis needs to spend more time with him. I think her husband doesn't like my dad and he is a tad bit controlling so even if my sis wanted to see our dad, he probably would have a fit about it. I have mixed feelings about him. Sometimes he is okay, sometimes he's a prick. Yeah, I guess I'm not good at being positive. My husband works with my sis's husband. He's not easy to work for, apparently. He likes Larry working with him, but he is so damn moody. I think he could be bipolar. Well, that's enough for now. I'm going to go pollute my lungs.

Insomnia

Yeah, you guessed it. Not sleeping again. You noticing a trend?? I should change my blog description from insane to insomniac. Haha. I don't really have anything to say. The day is over and it was uneventful. I ended up writing my Grandpa rather than calling. Sent some pictures. Old pictures, but pictures he didn't have. I hope he writes back. My pup ate his entire cake . I'm suprised he didn't get sick. It was cute, though. He is such a good boy. Well, I think I am ovulating. And me and Larry have been practicing. Hopefully we can make some baby magic happen. Hootch and Larry are out for the night. We went to bed earlier to try and get me to sleep and I took something to help. It's not, by the way. I have an app on my mePod that I play regularly. It's a pointless mindless game that passes the time. It's addictive as hell, too. So I play that game and when it loses it's fun, I start writing again. As you have probably noticed, I have a lot of free time. Still looking for a job to fill my time. Tuesday is laundry day. A lot to look forward to there. I need a new hobby. Something else to interrupt the monotony that is my day. I get bored with things way too easily. It's like once the challenge is gone, once I am good at something, it no longer holds my interest. My mom read my posts. She told me I was very negative. Yep, I am. No ray of f-in sunshine here. More like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I just kicked Hootch in the head. He didn't even notice. Well, I'm gonna give sleeping another shot. If you are a person that prays, I could use some help with conception. Thanks!!!

You say it's your birthday

It's my pooch's birthday today!!!! He is two years old. We don't have money to buy a bunch of toys this year so I baked him a doggy cake. Yeah, I am that kind of pet owner. Hootch was around when I lost the baby so I kind of turned my nurturing to him. He is our child. And he is hardly just a dog. This boy has more personality than a lot of people I have met. He pouts. He understands what I say. He sleeps on our pillows and under our covers. He's my baby. So this cake I baked him, I found it on a website. I will post the website on the sidebar here in case anyone wants to do the same. It's a peanut butter carrot cake. He tasted the batter and seems to have liked it. It's in the oven right now. I can't wait to put it down in front of him and see what he does. Lol. I think today is my Grandpa's birthday, too. He is the only Grandparent I have that is still alive. His wife and I had a falling out, I guess you could say. She disowned me over some stupid shit when I was 18. She was a cold-hearted woman that never liked me the way I was so it didn't really bother me that she didn't want to be in my life. What hurt is because of her disassociation with my sister and I, Grandpa disassociated himself, as well. Belva (my Grandpa's wife) died a few years ago. I wasn't upset. When I got the phone call, I was asleep (and late for work) I answered, got the news, hung up and I actually breathed a sigh of relief before rolling over and going back to sleep. Is that cruel? I don't think it is. She didn't like me anyway. I miss my Grandpa, though. He was a cool guy. I wish I was still in contact with him. I could call him, but he has a daughter that lives with him that doesn't like me either. I've tried all the "people connect" sites, can't find him. I could just say to hell with her and call anyway. Suppose I should. Well, Hootch's cake just came out of the oven and it's soooo cute!! I'm gonna ice it with something. Not sure what yet. I'm off to celebrate my pooch's day!

No title needed

Well, it's another day. Another opportunity to make a change. I'm not sure what kind of change needs to be made. Like change for a dollar maybe. I've checked out a few other blogs on here and realized some people are just not interesting. I'm sure I'm not either. Hahaha. Who cares? I'm not writing a novel here. Larry and I went to see my mom last night. Yesterday was a rough day and my mom is very comforting. I can talk to her about anything, and she helps me when I have an issue. She is hell bent on me finding a job. Yeah, I am too. I look and apply every day. Have no idea what I have applied for, but I have applied. For the most part, I don't go to businesses, I apply online because the places I have gone all tell me to apply online. And I hate this form of job applications. It sucks. There is no personal interaction, no opportunity to explain or expound upon anything. So my dad got a job. We are all excited. It has been difficult for Larry and I to live with him. Not that it would matter if it was him or someone else. Larry and I are different. We are what I call put-er-off-ers. My dad feels like he has to take care of me still, even though I am almost 30. He cooks for us, does the dishes, and then asks me if he will ever have me raised. I'm like, seriously, we were doing just fine just me and Larry. I cook, I clean, I do dishes. I just do them when I am ready to. We've been running low on money here lately. Our directv got shut off about a month ago. The internet is next to go. Oh well. Can't get blood from a turnip. Larry works so hard and I feel so bad that I am not working. Soooo- if you know of anything, let me know. I'm watching a movie with my dad- Last Man Standing. I love Bruce Willis. Kind of a distraction to writing, so I am going to go.

A couple of colorful words in this one

Lol, the ads on here amuse me. I'm gonna keep them on for a little bit, see how it goes. So it is almost twelve, I am still awake. Took a half of something for sleep so maybe it won't be a late night. Or early morning. However you wanna put it. Larry and Hootch are knocked out, as always. Larry is hilarious when he sleeps. He will talk in his sleep. For the most part when he talks he runs the words together and talks so fast it sounds like a foreign language. The times I do understand, I just laugh my ass off. One night, he mumbled for a minute then he says "you better watch out mother fucker! Who's the top dog now?" I almost cried I was laughing so hard. The next day he had no idea what he was dreaming about. Another night, he was asleep and he jerks the pillows out from under his head and puts them either on the floor or on his body. He then sits up, still asleep and starts looking for them, saying where did my pillows go? I was like, really? He amuses me. Guess it's a good thing I have him to make me laugh while he sleeps. I don't talk in my sleep or do anything that is otherwise amusing. I snore. Not so much a good thing, though. Larry says I stop breathing here and there. I'm like no wonder I am always tired. I never actually get rest. We found out today one of his sisters is pregnant with their second. His other sister already has two. I was happy for his other sister even though she found out she was preggo right after we lost ours. I can't be happy for this sister. I think I honestly have mixed feelings about her. The day before Larry and I got married, she and I went shopping and she says to me, "don't take this the wrong way but I was so glad you guys lost the baby. My brother isn't ready for that." So, what way am I supposed to take that. Who the hell says something like that??? I never told Larry. I didn't want him angry with his sis. I am banking on him not reading my blog so he probably won't find out. Yeah, so really, can you blame me for not giving a rats ass if she is pregnant again??? Well, just wanted to get that off my mind before trying to sleep!

Email I just got, relevant to previous post

No apology for sending this! ! ! After hearing they want to sing the National Anthem in Spanish - enough is enough. Nowhere did they sing it in Italian, Polish, Irish (Celtic), German or any other language because of immigration. It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for word the way it was written. The news broadcasts even gave the translation -- not even close. I'm NOT sorry if this offends anyone because this is MY COUNTRY - IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP -- please pass this along. Come through like everyone else. APPLY FIRST - Get a sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes, live by the rules AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all other immigrants have in the past -- and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

PART OF THE PROBLEM
Think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is Time for America to Speak up. No wonder California is in such financial trouble!

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'

What I want from our next Governor

I live in the state that is notorious for scandalous politicians. Mark Sanford, for example. I vote every election so I can have a say in what happens in our country and state, although I really feel like it wouldn't matter what I want, they have their own agenda. This election, I want someone that will take charge of our state. We are at the bottom of the barrel in education and if I ever have kids, I want them to have the opportunity to get a good education. So we will call that #1- Education. The next thing is the economy in our state. It sucks. I have spent more time unemployed this past year than I did working. We have one of the highest rates of unemployment. So, my #2- Economy. My number three, actually, if they were ranked highest priority to lowest, it would be #1. ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. I'll call them Mexicans for now. I have such a high hatred for illegal Mexicans. No, I am not racist. I just have no respect for people that come into our country illegally and expect to have rights. Which, by the way, they have none!!! Arizona is right on. There is nothing wrong with asking for proof of citizenship on a traffic stop, nothing at all. No rights are being violated if the damn immigrants are illegal. So screw them! As far as South Carolina goes, they have taken over my "hometown" of Greer. They are freaking everywhere. I worked with quite a few illegals at Springs (a textile mill) before it shut down. They trusted me for some reason and told me how they achieve what they do. They come here illegally and go to an office in Greenville County where they pay someone $200 for someone else's identity- social security card, name, the whole nine... after doing that, they find jobs, which they get paid for untaxed. The money is sent home to Mexico. After ten years of doing this, they have to go back to Mexico. But, six months later, they come back and do it all over again. So, very little of the income they are receiving is being used for our economy. Technically, we could say that we are supporting F-ing Mexico's economy. They have children here, but no medical coverage, so the taxpayers, AKA not illegal immigrants, are paying for their health care with medicaid. A lot of them don't have income, and live off of welfare, which us taxpayers also pay for. It shouldn't be allowed. My dad always asks why I don't speak Spanish to the Mexicans, since I took 3 years of Spanish, and I always tell him, if they were here legally, they would know English. I shouldn't have to learn another language or speak one, for that matter, to support their illegal asses. Naturalization laws require you to be able to speak English to be an American citizen. So, if you are Mexican, and you went through the process to be a legal citizen, more power to you. Welcome to our wonderful Nation. If not, F*@K YOU!!!! I am taking back Greer!!!!!!

Just woke up

How bout this not sleeping crap is really pissing me off. My husband doesn't like it a whole lot either. I don't know why I can't sleep at night. I've tried staying up and then going to bed early the next night, but then I just sleep all day anyway. It sucks. And for some reason any time I take something to help me sleep, I sleep all day. It's a losing situation. I finally uploaded pictures of my family. My Hootch and my Larry.
This is my Larry. He is so awesome.

This is my Hootchie Poochie. Isn't he adorable?

Larry and I have to go pay rent. We pay $650 for a three bedroom two bathroom hellhole. Well, I say we like Larry has a mouse in his pocket or something. He pays the rent. One income household currently. And for our area, the rent we are paying is high!! The house we are trying to get, the payment is going to be less than our current rent. So that is awesome. We rent from a property management company. They suck!!! I wouldn't recommend them to anyone. They sent us an addendum to the lease stating all kinds of stupid stuff. The part that pissed me off was that we were responsible for pest control. Our lovely hellhole has a backdoor that someone tried to pry open way before we lived here and there is a gap between the door and the door jamb. Ants love that. I use raid, but all I could think is how are we responsible for something you should have fixed a long time ago?? So yeah, they suck! I feel sorry for any bugs that do make it in. My dog likes to hold them in his mouth and take them to his bed. He rolls on them, flips them over, lets them start getting away and does it all over again until they are dead. It is hilarious!! So, I guess I am going to go through my previous posts and replace my colorful words with less offensive words. Make it more reader friendly. Although I am not a big fan of censoring myself to please other people. Except my mom.

A little whining

It's four in the am. I found how to change the time zone on here. I was pretty excited about that. I was doing a lot of thinking tonight and I NEED a baby. I feel like my life is currently incomplete. I have debated charting and checking my cervix but that crap is crucial! High low hard soft open closed... I get so confrused I don't know what to look for. Oh yeah and you kinda need some sort of cycle to base it off of. My cycle left me alone about six months ago. I'm so ready for a baby though. The experience of pregnancy, having someone love you unconditionally, teaching and molding a child's mind. I'm ready. But apparently God isn't. Yes, I believe in God. Maybe not the same one everyone else does. No, that's not it. Same God, just a different set of rules . I chat with God here and there. After I miscarried, I was very angry! How could he allow that to happen, I thought. I got past that anger eventually and realized that there had to have been some malformation of organs or something. And let me go ahead and say this- I don't care what you believe as far as religion goes. I have had a very difficult time with organized religion, the bible, and church. It's not that I don't care what you believe, I just don't want to hear that I am wrong and you are right, cause seriously- how do you know what is correct? Faith in a higher being is one thing, but putting faith into a book written by man- not by God- I just can't do it. So please don't talk religion with me. Sore subject. My God and I are on better terms these days. I guess I should be more thankful for what I do have and not so envious of what others have. I should work on that. It's hard to not be jealous or envious when your only desire is a child. Larry and I already know what we would name it. When we were pregnant before, I insisted on buying baby stuffs. We got four outfits, a blanket and bottle for Christmas (baby would have been around three and a half months at Christmas) pacifiers, diapers and wipes . My mom was going to hang onto them for us until we got out of school. She still has them. I guess that's a good thing. I couldn't look at them every day without losing it. People say that children pick their parents- like in spirit I guess before conception- and I'm like why not us??? My husband and I have a very loving relationship, we both love kids. He would be an excellent father. But like I said, maybe I should quit whining about what I don't have and be happy with what I do- an awesome doggy, a wonderful husband, and great friends and family. Quitchawhinin, Nicole!! Well, still not tired. Gonna take a hot shower and see if that helps!

Welcome To The Jungle ( we've got fun and games)

Come in, come in! Welcome to Nicole's World. Here you will find yourself inside my head. I can promise an adventure. I don't often allow people to just waltz on in, but I figure what the hell! I don't know these people from Sam. I don't know Sam, either. It's a little cluttered in here, but once you get past the old fashioned filing system my brain uses, you'll find yourself somewhere very special. Like helmet on the short bus kinda special. OHHHH- good news, I'm not schizo. I was really glad to learn that. Nope, I didn't go see a doctor. I have an app on my mePod that has like a billion random facts and one was that schizophrenic people don't yawn much at all. I yawn a whole lot. Nope, didn't research to confirm it. I like their theory, so I am gonna go with that. I used my dog's shampoo for my shampoo after I gave him a bath. My hair feels sooooo soft!! I'm jealous that my normal shampoo doesn't do that. Anywho, so I live in South Carolina right now. I moved out here from San Diego when I was eight. I have moved back and forth a few times, but decided SC would be home. I found the people in southern California are really stuck on themselves. Nobody cares who you are and they don't care to learn, either. Southern people, on the other hand, are awesome. They don't have to know you, but are friendly and willing to help someone in need at the drop of a hat. Perfect example of each- had a flat tire on the 5 in San Diego. 5:00 traffic and six lanes of highway- not a soul stopped!!! Not one. And there were many! In South Carolina, I put my CRX in a ditch in the pouring rain at eight in the evening and THREE different vehicles stopped to pull my car out. They didn't know me from Sam, either. Yeah, I like the Southern charm. These people are wonderful. On the other side of the country, in northern southern California, my husband's family lives in the mountains. Eventually, we are going to move back out there. Wish I could talk them into my neck of the woods. Did that with my Dad and he hates it here. The changing seasons, the rain, the bugs and the people's inability to drive. I think he is gonna blow a gasket. Oh, did I mention I went to school at Nascar Technical Institute A.K.A. We Will Sell You A Dream, Inc. NTI for short. I took automotive technology with Nascar technology. That was an awesome experience. Not only can I not get screwed by mechanics anymore, I also got to work on race cars and engines and chassis. That was awesome!!! But, as we all know, the chances of me having a career in racing are slim to none since I am not screwing anybody in the business and I am not related to any of them, either. Soooo, when I went looking for a job after school, I decided not to work on other people's cars because I don't like or care about their cars.


That is a cup engine. We had a spec lab where students built engines for cup races. It was awesome.

Bad idea. Bad.

So, my dog is dog aggressive. He doesn't like other dogs. He did when he was a pup. He became aggressive when we stayed with my hubby's parents for a month and a half. They had two dogs- a male and a female. The female was fixed and neither male was. They all got along great for about 3 weeks. Then one night, our boy and their boy started fighting. The next 3 weeks of our lives were spent keeping the dogs separated. They still got a hold of each other a few more times. Since then, my Pooch does not like dogs. At all. He used to be okay around little dogs or pups. Apparently, not anymore. Our friends wanted to take their pup to the mountains, too. So we decided to keep them separate. The boys took our boy- he is 90 lbs and strong as an ox. The girls took the puppy. We played in the water and had fun. Then, it was decided to see if the dogs could get a long. Now, there are other people there with their dogs, so I was worried about that, too. We kept them about ten feet apart. Hootch wasn't happy but he was okay. Then the pup barked at him and he was ready to fight. I was like, okay, let's go. I stress so bad. I just couldn't imagine something happening and then us having to put him down because he is considered a pit, even though he isn't a pit. So, we came on home. Hootch got some fries. He loves fries. So I guess that was his birthday present. I wanna be high right now. I was thinking about this blog, and I don't think I care if anyone reads this. I'm just glad to have somewhere to write. I get to take a shower and wash my puppy now. I'm about as excited as him. Off I go!

To the mountains....

Just got up. It's noon thirty. Hubby is in the shower. We are getting ready to go to the mountains with the pooch. I'm excited. I know today is gonna wear me out, but I look forward to it. Didn't sleep good. I was watching the sun rise before my eyeballs closed. It sucks not being able to sleep like a normal people. So, no more pot... I would start drinking instead, but I hate alcohol. I'm much more comfortable when I am high. The friends we are going with are awesome. They have a little girl and the chica is pregnant with a boy now. I'm ready for her to have that baby! She is like my sis. I have a sis, and she is an awesome sis and I love her, but I think my real sis and I are so different. My pretend sis is a lot like me. She's a good friend. So is her man. I have known them for like six or seven years and we still hang out, so that's good. I usually don't keep friends that long. Not my doing, more like life gets in the way. That and I am not that big of a fan of girls. They are manipulative for the most part. I guess I'm outta here. More later.

Aaaaahhhhhhhh! I need a title!!!!!!

This is pretty cool. Who woulda thunk it? I'm still awake. The time stamps on these are wrong, it's 3 am. I love that song. Matchbox 20 had a bunch of songs I liked. So yeah, I like being able to ramble when I can't sleep. It reminds me of doing " morning pages". It's amazing what clarity comes from being able to say what is on your mind. And ramble is something I do well. I am also really good at jumping topics. I don't know why I feel like I need to explain who I am rather than typing what is in my head. Like it's a stage production. I don't know. Btw, cause everyone needs to know- the band Paramore totally rocks! They are always in my head. When I was in high school I listened to the cranberries like all the time. Paramore is my post-teen cranberries. I love music. I especially like it when every song on an album is awesome. I hate spending money on a cd and then only liking one or two songs. That's like ten bucks a song. Or it was back in the day. I have an entire case of cd's that are like that. I can't remember what songs I liked anymore. And most of them are one hit wonders and I'm like really? One good song in your entire career and i don't remember what it is. Music is like a sound track of your life. Like I will hear that song Norma Jean and automatically think of my childhood. I love it. What is so funny about that is I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I don't know why. Maybe I should see a shrink to find out where my memories went to hide. Then again, I have probably smoked those brain cells away. Well I'm gonna try this sleep thing again. Will holla!

RANDOM

My husband and I got approved for a home loan! I am so excited. I have the coolest husband ever. I told him I wanted a moat and he said okay!! Awesome! I know, I'm weird. I think moats are way cool. Don't know if I would actually do it or not. Tomorrow we are taking our Hootch to the mountains. His birthday is the seventh so we are gonna take him on a nature walk with some friends. I'm excited. He doesn't get a lot of outside time. He is an American Staffordshire Terrier and he is called a pit bull all too often. The last job I had was for a company that fielded calls for apartment complexes (FYI the job sucked!! I have never been that depressed in my life!) We told callers all the features and regulations of the complexes including any pet restrictions. I had a trainer that I wanted to punch in the face because she continuously called amstaffs pits. I was like omg woman!! Do some research. Is the Internet really that scary that you can't look something like that up? You dumb know it all bitch!! Anywho, I have anger issues apparently. I also have the mouth of a sailor. I use a lot of colorful words to express how I feel. I'm also mean. Not so much to people I know. Well its not so much mean as blunt. I am quick to vocalize my feelings even if it hurts yours. I say things that hurt other people unintentionally. I am trying to work on having tact. Right now I am laying in bed typing this on my mePod. No it's not an iPod it's a mePod in Nicole's world. I should be asleep but it doesn't look like it's gonna be an easy thing. We gave the rest of the pot we had to some friends. My husband is quitting for work and I'm quitting cause I don't think it's fair not to. So God help me, I don't see much sleep in my near future. Well my mePod is dying on me. Time to toss and turn for a few hours!

Newbie, lol

So I thought this would be an interesting way to say what is on my mind. And for once, I don't think there is much there. I guess I should say a few things about me. I am 29, married with no kids. I have a dog that is filling that spot at the moment. He is great. So is my husband. I am unemployed right now but have an extensive background in crapwork. I still don't know what I wanna be when I grow up. There isn't much I am passionate about- sadly. I hate the government. I love America, but feel that all politicians are out for themselves. I've noticed many other people feel that way also. That's a good thing. More people need to realize that the government isn't working for us anymore. We need change. For our country's sake. Alright enough of the government, back to me. My dad is living with me and my husband. It's.... interesting. He's not a bad guy. He's a great dad. It's just not easy trying to keep my husband and my dad (total opposites) happy. Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out!! So, I smoke a lot of pot. Yeah, I do. It keeps me sane. It helps me sleep at night. WoooooHoooo!!! If I didn't, I wouldn't sleep. Legality doesn't matter to me. I have been doing it for a long time. My husband and I lost a baby back in January 2009. That was the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with. I feel like the only thing that can fill the hole that baby left in my heart is to conceive again. Its like not knowing you want something soooooo bad and then someone taking it away as soon as it is yours. A year and some odd months later, I am able to function. Let me clarify, I can get out of bed in the morning without anger and sadness and a pure hatred for the world. I can be happy for my friends and family when their families become bigger. I can smile and be genuinely happy. I still hurt. But I am making it now. My cousin that passed last June said it would either break me and my husband or make us stronger. It made us stronger. He is my best friend. My life. My mirror image. Well, I must go and fulfill my nicotine levels. Later!!!