Today

Today is February the somethingth, 2012. It's weird to say that year. And it's crazy that we are already one month into the year. I guess when life quits being "Monday through Friday" and becomes "cycle day and days past ovulation", things move a little quicker. Today I am on cycle day 9 and ovulation is expected sometime between the 7th and the 14th of February. PCOS has made timing a little unpredictable but I think I have gotten it down to a science. On my 14th day I start using progesterone cream. I use it until I have a positive pee test or until I start the next cycle. Since the first day after my period, hubby and I have been baby dancing every other day and will be until after ovulation. It seems so simple. I'm very hopeful. I feel like I am going to achieve a sticky bean this time. Hopefully it won't stop in the tube. So this conception, it consumes me. It's all I want. Baby fever doesn't even cover it. I feel like life should have more meaning but right now, that's it. This baby we are trying for is life. I live and breathe this conception. Oh my gosh baby, baby, baby! I'm annoying myself at this point. But I have so much love already for a child I have yet to conceive. And I want to be at home with the baby. I know someone that is a stay at home mom but she isn't happy. But she isn't me and I am not her. I want to be there for everything in my child's life. I want to hold them and play with them and teach them. I want to plan their day and make every moment one of a kind. I want to be there when they go to school and when they get home. Omgosh I am obsessed. I will probably be overprotective too. Poor kid. They aren't even conceived yet and I am planning their childhood. I've still been healing emotionally from my last pregnancy. It's easier to put on a smile and act like nothing ever happened then to think of all the physical and emotional pain I went through just over a month ago. Two of my family members are currently pregnant. They are a few weeks ahead of where I would be. I hate reading their status updates and trying to be happy and excited for them. I am happy for them, I'm just having a hard time not thinking about my recent past when I think about their pregnancies. Another cousin had her baby a month before I lost this one. It hurts, too. I still haven't held the baby. I did touch him the last time I saw him but that is it. I hope my cousin understands, but oh well if she doesn't. I don't want to hurt her but I just can't hold her son. Not yet. I know burying my pain is the wrong thing to do, but I get the impression that most people think I should be over it and on with my life. Which is why I fake smiles and push it further down. God, please fix these holes in my heart....

Another Angel Baby

It happened again. I got pregnant in November and found out when I was 3 weeks and a few days. Let me rephrase that, I unintentionally got pregnant. I was so happy. Shocked. Consumed. In love. I didn't have a worry or care in the world. Then one day while at work I started getting some pain- not centrally abdominal but off to the left. I sat down to wait out the aches. Then I headed to the bathroom. That's when I saw blood. And that's all it took. I called my mom who picked up my husband and met me at the hospital. It was too early too see anything on an ultrasound but the pain had subsided. For the most part. The doc did warn me that it may be an ectopic pregnancy but I was not concerned. This baby was a fighter. Every other day for a week or so, I hurt on my left side. And as the days progressed so did the pain. Each time it came back, I hurt worse than the last time. I followed up with an OB that said my hcg levels weren't rising like they should be. There was still a good chance of a good pregnancy but she really thought that this one may be ectopic. If my pain got worse I needed to go back to the er as this pregnancy could kill me. Again, I was not worried. Mommy's lil fighter was gonna be just fine. After leaving the doctor that day, my pain came back. And it was bad. By that night, I couldn't sleep at all. I would have to get up run hot water on my left side, lay with my pup to calm me down and try again only to be forced to do it all over. By the time my husband got up for work, I knew we had to go to the hospital. My hcg levels had dropped and they still couldn't see anything on the ultrasound. I was losing this baby. After the ultrasound, my pain was unbearable, even after one shot of demerall. They gave me another shot of demerall and then I slept for what seemed the first time in a year. After all of this, I now had to go home and wait for my lil fighter to die. It hurt so bad emotionally. But the universe and God are taking care of me. I miscarried out my left tube. My theory is the tissue that was my baby is now a piece of me forever. The saving grace in this is I could have died. This pregnancy could have killed us both if it had not miscarried like it did. It doesn't make it hurt any less but it helps to have reason and peace of mind. Currently I have just started my first cycle since the loss and hubby and I are going to get right back to it and pray for a miracle this time.

Babies, babies, babies

Every time I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Someone else just had a baby. Someone else has a family. Their kids are starting school or playing sports or have joined the girl scouts or cub scouts. They are helping their kids with their homework or telling them that the monster under the bed is not real. I am tired of watching all of my friends and family raising their child while I struggle everyday with a disorder that causes infertility and cancer. I know that I will have a baby someday. Even if not my own, I will adopt. I just have baby fever. Bad. I don't want to be that child's Aunt, I want to be that child's mommy. I keep asking myself if I would be a good mother. Maybe I wouldn't. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time. I don't know. It's not something that I understand. I have had many dreams about my future children. Maybe they are the ghosts of my lost babies. I had a tarot reading done and the young lady that did it told me she saw 2 boys. She also saw 2 other spirits. She said she didn't know if they were children that I may have down the road or if they were my lost babies. The night before I got the reading done, I was talking to my mom about my infertility and I told her that I didn't understand that if the babies choose their parents, why not me? In the reading I had done, the girl said that one of the boys wanted her to tell me that he chose me, but he wasn't ready yet. I found that comment ironic. I totally believe that he spoke to her. I can't wait to see those babies. I hope that my reading was true. And all I have is hope. Hope and faith in God to do his will in my life. I noticed that I was lacking God in my life. I didn't have the relationship with Him that I should and have tried to have the strength to leave it in his hands. And to have faith that he will provide. In the meantime, I am taking better care of myself and through herbs, I am regulating my body. I have made lifestyle changes to manage my disorder and I have never felt better in my life. I think I am on the right road, I just hope that I am not too late. I am also trying to be a better person. My mother is one of the most positive and happy people I have ever met and I am trying to instill those things in my life. Let's just say that I didn't like who I had become and I didn't want to be that person anymore. My unborn children deserve a better person for a mom than I was 2 months ago. With all my changes and my recent drive back to Greer, SC, I feel good about my future. But my husband is still in California. He will be there for another few weeks. So in my time without my best friend, I am working on me. And I hope that when he gets here that the baby making will be much easier. Until then....

PCOS

So, I found out that I have PCOS and I have made some drastic changes in my lifestyle. I am on the low glycemic index diet. But it's not just a diet. The problem with a normal diet is that my body stores insulin rather than using it. By eating starches and sugars, I was making my problem worse. So I have limited my intake of simple sugars. I don't cheat myself if I want something. I eat what I want, but I am more conscious about it. I don't eat bread. At all. Or potatoes. I feel like they are my worst enemies in this. On the flip side, fat and protein are my new best friends. Ice cream! I can eat all the ice cream I want because the fat content is higher than the sugar content, my body will break it down slower, therefore not storing any of the insulin made. So yay me! I have finally found what works. My doc had me on clomid. That did not help. I think my hormones went more psycho than they were. The first month I was on clomid, I got a false positive pregnancy test. So that sucked. But I am over it. I am now on a mission to make my body healthy so that when I do actually get pregnant, the baby's living quarters will be nice and cozy. I quit taking the clomid and decided to give eastern medicine a shot. I now take a million herbal supplements a day, but I feel much better than I have in years! I think I found a good combination. I take cinnamon, inositol, lecithin, omega 3, vitex, b- complex, apple cider vinegar and I have just added dong quai, red raspberry leaf tea, and saw palmetto to my regimen. I am no longer the bitch that I was. I have been charting my temps since I started clomid and now that I am taking all the herbals, it has balanced out. It seems that my reproductive organs are doing what they are supposed to and I couldn't be happier about it. I now feel the obligation to help others with PCOS. 2 of my cousins have it, a good friend of mine has it and I am sure many more people that I know have it and they have not been tested for it. So look out world, I am now advocating for PCOS awareness. There are some major health complications associated with the disorder such as ovarian cancer, infertility, uterine cancer... Everyone should be aware of this disorder and the things that you can do yourself to make it better. So that's that. On a lighter note, I am moving back to Greer just as soon as I can. I have always loathed California and I can't wait to be back on the right coast!!

And then there was one

Lonely, I'm so lonely, I have no body.... okay, that's a lie. But I am all alone. Except for my soon to be fetus that should be touching down in uterusland any day now. Ha! How's that for optimism? I am actually very confident. Like overly confident. Like I have already seen what is going to happen. And before any snide comments about me being psychoti.... psychic are made, I have dreamed in prophecy since I was a kid. No joke. Ask my Mommy. She was there for that. At least sometimes anywho. Once, while we were looking for a new house to rent, we pulled up to a two story house that I had seen before. I told my mom I had been there before and she said no, you haven't. I was like well, I have seen it before and proceeded to tell her where EVERYTHING was in the house. She was like, eh whatever, then we went inside. It was exactly as I had described it. She asked me where I had seen it and I told her I thought I had seen it in my dream. That was the first time my prophetic ass saw something pretty cool. Or at least the first that I remember. I am bored. And I don't want to work. I want to sit here and eff off and when I am asked why I didn't do anything, I will be like, Oh, I'm sorry, did you pay me??? Okay, so I am being a little on the bitchy dramatic side today. My hormones are apparently on the rampage again. Sometimes I just hate being around people. No, I'm not going to be more specific because it does me no good to tear someone down that doesn't even realize they have stepped on my toes- especially if they don't read this. And the least I can do is say how I feel to their faces. So I shall keep my bitching to myself. At least for now and until I am unable to keep it all inside. I have been listening to my mePod a lot and sleeping a lot. I have been exhausted, though. But sometimes the sleep and the mePod just make it easier for me to be on my best behavior. I have a lot more control over my mouth and my emotions now that I know what the cause is. I don't know why it would take knowing the cause to harness it, but it did. And I am sticking to my story, brah! I find myself taking a deep breath if someone ruffles my feathers and I feel like I am about to flip out. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. I feel bad for the people on the other end of my hormones. Like my husband. Poor guy. He had no idea he married a bitch. He has been so patient and understanding. I probably would have already smothered myself with a pillow if I were in his shoes. But he hasn't. And he has had plenty of opportunity! So my hubby and his pops went to deliver a spa to a couple that lives like an hour and a half away. So by my calculations, I will still be sitting at this store an hour after we close. Yay me! (in case it went undetected, that was sarcasm) I'm thinking if I get high enough, I could stay here all damn night!! Uh, maybe not. 8 hours is more than enough a day. Well, I have things to see, people to do. I am off!

And Then There Was One

Lonely, I'm so lonely, I have no body.... okay, that's a lie. But I am all alone. Except for my soon to be fetus that should be touching down in uterusland any day now. Ha! How's that for optimism? I am actually very confident. Like overly confident. Like I have already seen what is going to happen. And before any snide comments about me being psychoti.... psychic are made, I have dreamed in prophecy since I was a kid. No joke. Ask my Mommy. She was there for that. At least sometimes anywho. Once, while we were looking for a new house to rent, we pulled up to a two story house that I had seen before. I told my mom I had been there before and she said no, you haven't. I was like well, I have seen it before and proceeded to tell her where EVERYTHING was in the house. She was like, eh whatever, then we went inside. It was exactly as I had described it. She asked me where I had seen it and I told her I thought I had seen it in my dream. That was the first time my prophetic ass saw something pretty cool. Or at least the first that I remember.

PCOS and me

So what I have read and understand about PCOS is that I am insulin resistant and should stay away from starches and sugars.... can you say high fat high protein diet? I about fell in the floor. My whole life I have stayed away from those categories simply because they do take so long to break down and if it isn't used it is stored. Well apparently my body needs me to eat things that take a long time to break down because otherwise the insulin would just turn into fat and be stored???? As you can tell, I am still very confused by all of this. Apparently weight loss with PCOS is a bitch! But, since my last doctor appointment on May 17th, I have lost 3 pounds. My body looks more curvy and womanly and my boobs have gotten bigger. Like a whole cup size bigger. I didn't think that was a side effect, but my hubby isn't complaining.
Doc Greene prescribed me Clomid. Basically when he came into the exam room he said you have a disorder called PCOS and you have 2 choices. Either you want to have kids or you do not want to have kids. If you don't want to have kids, we will put you on birth control which will force your body and hormones to do what they have refused to do. If you do want to have kids, we will put you on Clomid. I of course said I wanted to have kids. So I took my first cycle of Clomid- which is 5 pills taken one a day during your period to force ovulation. So once again, we wait. I have felt sicker than... I don't know what. But I have been pretty sick.
Anyone thinking they may try Clomid, be aware you are about to be on an emotional roller coaster that you would gladly sit out if you could. I was sad, I was mean, I was okay, I was happy, I was mad and then it started all over again. It has been horrible!! But, the way I am eating, this medication and exercise (yes, I AM exercising) should bring my hormone levels back to good.

My hormones are hazardous to YOUR health!

Yeah, it's been a while. I am in Bishop, CA running the pool store and things here are good. It isn't home and let me be the first to say it NEVER will be, but I have a wonderful family here, so maybe I can adjust.

Last Tuesday (May 17) I went to a hormone therapy specialist. After an ultrasound, blood tests and sugar tests, I was diagnosed as having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I had a notion that this was the cause of my hormone problems i.e. bitchiness, anger, aggression, violence, attitude, smart mouth and so on and so forth. I also thought that this was the reason I have not conceived since losing my angel 2 years ago. And my suspicions were confirmed. I am now taking Clomid to see if I can conceive and I am on the CRAZIEST diet! High protein and high fat so that's cool. I don't have a whole lot of time to get into it, so I will elaborate more later. I am off to do some work!!

And the winner is...

So, the decision has been made. California here we come. Again. I was thinking about both places and the opportunities both held for us. Although I have family and friends in SC, there is no promise of a lucrative future. In California, we will be making enough money so I can go home any time I want. It seems like the better choice of the two. So I agreed to it, figuring if it is not meant to happen, it won't. Kinda like me getting pregnant. Must not be meant to be right now. I know I write about babies the most, or better yet, I whine about it. It's just hard for me to accept my challenges with fertility. So anywho, I am ready for the next adventure in my gypsy life. Ready for new and exciting things to happen. And maybe along the way, I can afford to go to a doctor to find out why I am pregnancy challenged. Maybe it's something easy peasy. That would be great! And if the Gods have deemed me childless, than I shall accept that fact and be grateful for the amazing pup that I have. And my incredible husband.

So what do we do?

Tonight I am sad. Larry and I want different things when we leave Washington. He wants California, I want South Carolina. We both don't want any resentment from the other. We don't want our families to be angry. And neither of us wants to be selfish. So this shit isn't going to work. I'm not talking about seperation or divorce, just a rock and a hard place. We asked Hootch what state he wanted to live in. He wasn't any help. I do know one thing, Washington is not it. I need sunshine! I need to feel warm every now and then. I hate it here. I feel like my world is ending and Washington is hell. I miss my family and my friends. South Carolina is definitely home, but I wanna make Larry happy, too. So what are we going to do? We flipped a coin last time. Our decision was not based on the outcome of the coin toss, but we did go where the mystical coin told us. Maybe we should try it again. I just don't know.

Onward and upward, I haven't had a period since September 27thish. I've been slightly nauseated and extremely tired, but my impending periods can do that sometimes. My lower abdomen feels hard. But I have been fooled before. The late period means nothing considering I haven't had a normal cycle since I lost my angel January of 2009. My breasts do seem engorged, but that can and does happen right before a period. So I'm stuck wondering. I hate to wonder and speculate alone. Speaking of alone, we have no friends here. No one that really knows us and can listen when we bitch. I am sure that is adding to the sadness. I am so sad today, too. That conversation Larry and I had upset me. I still have tears. I just want what I want this time around. And California was supposed to be temporary. We were gonna get back on our feet and go back to SC. There were no jobs there which is why we are here. In the effin evergreen state. Evergreen. Evercloudy. Everrainy. Everdepressing. Anywho, so when I thought we had decided it would be SC we were heading to, my father in law calls and tells Larry of this business venture he would like for us to be a part of. In California, of course. And now we have come full circle. This argument will be on the debate floor until we are packed to leave, I'm sure.

Freakin out

So this babysitting gig, it's getting old. I'm pretty sure if it were my own kids I would feel better. Maybe. And sometimes I think I wouldn't be a good mother. Maybe that is why I am having a hard time getting pregnant. Patience is not my strong suit. The little one fights sleep. A lot. And for some reason it frustrates me. I don't scream at him or beat him or anything. I just get aggravated. I guess I suck at this. But I still want a baby. I think pot would help with the patience. And don't give me the bullshit bad parenting crap. Read a fucking book. Pot just makes you happy. It does not inhibit your ability to function. We're watching this movie super high me. It's all about pot. It's very educational. This situation is causing tension between Larry and I. I feel like a lot is put on me. Both meals, naps, snacks. He helps, but I am frustrated a lot, so I'm thinking it's not enough help. But I know he thinks I am better at this stuff. And maybe I am, but I still want help. Well enough whining for one session. Will holla!

Popcorn with a hint of Johnny's seasoning

Yum! While in the RV, Larry and I got the munchies. His sister had left some snacks in here from their last trip, so we started looking for something good. And we came up with popcorn. Popcorn is always good, but the same old gets old. We checked out the spices that were left in here to try and change it up a bit. And there it was, Johnny's seasoning salt. We added the Johnny's and like crack addicts, we ate all the popcorn we could handle. Hootch included. So now any time we are out here and I get the munchies, I pop a bag and pour on the good stuff. It's like the best thing to happen to popcorn since movie theatre butter. Mmmmmm. I love it like a fat kid loves cake.

So our situation at hand is getting old, quick. I would love to go back and change things so this never would've happened. I hate living like a gypsy. I don't even get the overall benefits that a gypsy has. I don't rob people. I just move. A lot. I was thinking about how many times I have moved this decade. It's a lot. Started on Cornelson in Greer, SC and moved to Cannon in Greer. Then to Easley, Williamston, and back to Cannon. From there I went to Charleston, then S. Buncombe in Greer. Then there was the duplex in Greenville, SC, Circle Dr. In Greer, then apartments in Greenville, Blue Ridge in Greer, and Taylors, SC. Then I moved to Statesville, NC. And temporarily a shitty apartment with some shitty people in Mooresville, NC. Back to Statesville, then a different apartment with some cool people in Mooresville, NC. On to Terrell, NC. Then we meandered through Benton, CA and Fullerton, CA. Back to Greer on Locust Rd. Then Reidville Rd. in Greer. Then back to Benton, CA. And the final stop on our tour (for now), Oak Harbor, WA. That is frickin 23 times in 10 efffin years. That's just nuts to me. I hate moving!!!! So what is causing me to do it more than twice a year? Seriously, that's just not right.

I love being in my head

So easily distracted am I. Twenty minutes ago I was flipping through my saved web pages thinking I would write a little. Then I heard a part of a song I like so I googled the lyrics to make sure it said what I thought. And it did. So I youtubed it so I could hear it now. All this while watching Family Guy. Easily distracted and amused. It's fun being me.

Blah blah blah

Free time for pooch and me so I thought I would babble on. Larry is helping his brother in law skin a deer. I am not a hunter by any means but my husband is. I don't want any part of it. I'm like yeah you're gonna have to wash all that deer blood and fur and guts off of you before you come back in here. Not much hunting in my family, but his whole family- immediate and extended- are deer hunters. Very foreign and bloody to me. Plus- I have never shot a gun. They scare me. I was going to let Larry teach me, but when we got down to it, I started crying. I'm such a pansy. So when I was in school learning U.S. geography, it never dawned on me that the state of Washington, being right below Canada, would be a cold state. And if you were wondering, it is. Since we have been here, it has been cold, gloomy, and rainy. I've seen rays of sunshine, but I don't recall having actually seen the sun. Maybe that's why I am depressed. Plus, what a big let down- I haven't seen a single vampire. No Edward. No Alice. No Bella. I'm disappointed. I was hoping to see the Cullen family and maybe even Jacob. But no. Apparently Twilight is fictional.

Emo me

OMG I just want my life back. My little shit hole house and my husband and my dog. I want a job and money to spend and pay bills. I just feel like everything that made me happy is gone. I want to be back in Greer where I feel at home. I can feel myself getting more depressed all the time. But how selfish I am to expect Larry to sacrifice his happiness and do what I want. Like a spoiled child. His family is wonderful but I just can't be happy. I just pretend that nothing is wrong, blink away tears and say I'm okay. I'm not okay. I am lost. Everyday I wake up, go into my sis in laws house and watch two beautiful children. And everyday I am reminded that my child was taken away. Seriously, why is it that people that don't care about their kids are blessed with many and all I want is one. One child to call me mommy. It feels like I will never have that in my life. It also feels like I am being a whiny little bitch today. I blame my emo state on hormones. I think mine are going nucking futs. I didn't sleep all day today so that's nice. And now I am over my little tantrum. Moving on, today we went to the navy exchange. It's like a military walmart. Where walmart has wrangler brand the navy exchange has Ralph Lauren. So I guess it would be like the Rolls Royce of walmarts. Right now, pup and I are in the RV. Sitting on the bed. He's probably thinking about the treats I promised him and forgot to bring, and I am thinking about the disaster that is my life. Seems like there is no light at the end of this tunnel. I wish I was schizo so the personality I call me could go to sleep till this is all over and my auto pilot personality could handle all the bullshit for me. Any advice would be appreciated.

How we ended up in sunny Seattle

It's been a long time. And our lives have been turned upside down. Not that you will be surprised, but my pee stick was negative. Kinda like my attitude toward the whole thing I guess. In the some odd months that I have been away from my writing, my husband and I have moved from Greer, South Carolina to Benton, California to Oak Harbor, Washington. See what happened was I got a job and I was working. Larry was working for my sister's poor-example-of-a-man husband. My mom was in the hospital so collectively the four of us were waiting in the ER waiting room or my mom's ER room for some explanation for her being there. Ashley's piece of shit flips out...... Okay long story short he calls me an inconsiderate bitch for not leaving my mother's room at his command. Naturally, my husband gets pissed. He stews all weekend. By Monday he is in such a tizzy he is practically hyperventilating by the time he gets to work. He tells piece of shit that he doesn't think them working together is going to work. Piece of shit then tries to flex his lack of muscle and acts like he is gonna hit Larry. I call the cops. Piece of shit knows if he touches my husband a lot of shit is going to happen. First he is gonna get his ass whooped by my young stud husband. Second, I'm gonna get involved and throw a few, too. Then his punk ass would be going to jail, he would have some serious issues in his marriage. I was ready to get down redneck style. Instead, piece of shit just runs his mouth. Eventually, he maces my husband. Yeah, I know, we could own his business right now, but Larry didn't want issues between me and my sis. The point is if he wasn't so convinced the world revolved around him, Larry wouldn't have quit. Ultimately I really just feel like he is the reason my world fell apart and now live 3,000 miles away. I'm so good at the blame game. Anywho- when life hands you limes you make margaritas. So we are living in an RV. Larry's sister needed a full time babysitter and neither of us have found work otherwise, so here we are. Oh and speaking of job hunting, I can't even get a mother effin interview. No call, no return email, nothing. Like I never applied. This frickin recession has not turned around. The poor are still poor. The rich are richer. And such is life. Hootch and Larry are sleeping. I suppose I should be. It's almost 4am. So if this doesn't post because I wrote it on my mePod I am going to be pissed. And if it does, yea for me!

It's been several hours and.....

No, I'm not gonna break into song. It's been a few days. I've had visions of positive pee tests dancing in my head. Although I can't be sure that we have conceived, I have an unshakable hunch that we did. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. It's very hard to do. What sucks is the waiting. I'm not the most patient person in the world. It hasn't even been a week since ovulation, and it feels like a month. Apparently the two week wait is an eternity. Before losing the baby last year, we knew we were pregnant for about ten days. Those ten days seemed to have taken a long time. I have a ton of memories of that time. Like my first real aversion to food. I had bought some dill pickle flavored Pringles because I love pickle flavored chips. I had one and almost threw up. We had not even taken a pee test at that point. I remember peeing on the stick- I think it was the next night- and I wasn't thinking I would be. I set it down on the counter to flush. When I looked at it again, there were two pink lines. I couldn't believe it. I picked it up to look closer like maybe my eyes were lying to me. Nope, no lie, I was pregnant. My husband was so excited. We called everyone we knew. Looking back, I know God knew what he was doing. We couldn't have supported the pregnancy. We both went to school 30 hours a week. Larry wasn't working- he had just quit his job. I only worked 1 day a week for $200 a month. Me and that kid would have been starving. That's not to say I don't still hurt from the loss. I was pretty sure that one was a girl. Call it momma's intuition. At this point, I am hopeful. I've had a pretty powerful group of young ladies praying for this time around. Now all I can do is wait.

Habits and money

I slept so good last night. I think I actually fell asleep before Larry. And Hootch. It was nice not to be the last one comfortable. I took a whole Benadryl before I went to bed. I didn't have a chance. That Benadryl kicked my ass. I got up with Larry at 6:30, so maybe when I try to sleep tonight it will be a breeze. My dad has Righteous Kill on. Can't believe how old Al Pacino and Robert Deniro look. Pacino looks like he has some hair plugs or something. Dad is a movie nut. Me, I'd rather listen to the sound of me typing then fill my head with a movie this early. And I say early because it is. For the most part, my brain is still on standby. The fact that I have anything to say is amazing to me. Found some pornographic quizes on facebook. I was pissed. I have nephews on facebook. I don't want them to come across that crap, not that they don't know what sex is already, but if I can help keep them innocent, I will. So, I reported them. Felt good about myself. Lol. Did my good deed for the year. Trying to find someone that will hire me. Apparently, I'm not desirable as an employee. Little do they know that I would take their job, anyway. Actually, that might be why they won't hire me. So I'm a little cocky, so what? I'm out of nicotine. My inner bitch is about to awaken. It sucks being broke and having a habit. This habit is ultimately more expensive than pot was. I spend five bucks every two days for smokes. I spent thirty bucks every two weeks or more for pot. I haven't actually done the math, but sounds to me like Marlboro Gold 100's is making more money off me in the long run. Pot is easy to quit. Smoking, not so much. I hate smoking. I hate the smell, I hate second hand, I hate everything about it. Except for the taste. I love the taste of tobacco. They got me young, too. Damn Marlboro Man!!! Anywho, that's about all I got in me for the moment. Until next time!

Big scary dog

I love having an intimidating dog. People come to the door and it's about all I can do to keep him from going through it. I don't worry about anyone "casing" my house or plotting to do anything. He would tear them up!! My poor mailman came to the door once. I didn't hear him, but Hootch did. He barked so loud and violently, the mailman ran off our porch and left our property so fast, I think he broke the sound barrier. It was so funny! Just a few minutes ago, I had someone come to the door trying to generate business for his landscaping company. Hootch was pissed. He was snarling, the fur on his back was standing on end. I'm pretty sure the guy didn't want to stay and talk after that. I know he won't be back. Everybody is afraid of him, until they get to know him. When we go through a drive-thru, especially McDonald's, he leans out the driver side window anticipating his french fry treats. When we get to the window, the person working drive-thru is usually hesitant to take our money or give us our food until I tell them he is friendly. "He's nice, just excited about his fries." They still try to avoid him. He is a big scary dog. But such a lovey puppy. He has only met one person he didn't like. The guy is weird, though. Like psycho meats unibomber kinda weird, so I can't blame him for not trusting the guy. Hootch hates cats!! We have some feral cats living under the house. One ran out and across the road one day just as I was taking Hootch out to pees. That moose of a dog pulled me down the stairs trying to get to that poor cat. And I'm no twig. Big enough to keep him from doing something like that, or so I thought. I now have a scar on my right breast from the rocks that embedded themselves into me as I was pulled across the ground. I was pissed! I can laugh now, though. I can't believe he was able to drag me down those stairs. I even prepared for him to lunge, stood my ground, I thought. He proved me wrong. Once he realized what he did, he stood in one spot until I got up, trying to make sure I was okay. He is something else!!


Doesn't he look ferocious?

Laundry and Jackie Chan

Laundry day, woohoo! I hate laundry. And dishes. Well, chores in general. I'm watching Rush Hour 3. I love Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. They are hilarious together. I'm gonna try a more positive approach today. See how it goes. My pup and I stayed in bed today till late. And I mean late. It's hard to get outta bed when he is curled up against me. I sleep so good with that dog. My dad went to hang out with my sis and her little girl. They haven't spent too much time together since he has been here. It's been a month since they have done anything together. My sis needs to spend more time with him. I think her husband doesn't like my dad and he is a tad bit controlling so even if my sis wanted to see our dad, he probably would have a fit about it. I have mixed feelings about him. Sometimes he is okay, sometimes he's a prick. Yeah, I guess I'm not good at being positive. My husband works with my sis's husband. He's not easy to work for, apparently. He likes Larry working with him, but he is so damn moody. I think he could be bipolar. Well, that's enough for now. I'm going to go pollute my lungs.